No Magazine

nologo

I found a floppy disk that had some stuff I did in 1994. It included stuff planned for the very first issue of No magazine. I can’t remember if I ever intended on publishing it in some photocopied zine format, but I never got around to finishing it.

The cover lists something called “Is you cat a user or an abuser”. This article was never written, but feel free to write your own version. Back in ’94 there was no internet for me and I was using Windows 3.1. But, I have managed to put together some stuff and here is the first and last issue of No.

no cover

NO PLAYS: Are they interesting or what?

Upon first glance it might seem that a no play is not a play. If you don’t like plays then I suspect you would be rejoicing and planning a giant party with all your other play hating friends. Well, bad news for you because a no play is actually a kind of Japanese play. Ha ha ha.

“Oh pray tell”, I hear you cry from the existence which you call life, “what is the history of no plays?”. Do you really want to know, or are you just saying it because you can’t think of anything else to say? The answer to that question is “yes”. The no play is the oldest form of Japanese drama. Older than you, older than me, and older than rock ‘n’ roll. It was developed during the 1300s from dances performed at shrines. Nothing cool like that ever happens at the shrines around where I live, although maybe I just don’t get out enough. These performances had long been part of religious and folk rituals. Zeami Motokiyo shaped the drama into the form in which it is still performed today. Well, right on Zeami! He combined dancing and chanting with literary themes and poetic language from the past.

And no plays are still being written and performed today. There are four characters in a no play. There’s the main actor called “shite”, the supporting actor called (waki), who represents the audience, and his attendant (wakitsure), and the local man of the place (kyogen). All the characters are played by men, but there are some troupes that include women. There’s also a chorus who comments on the action. There’s also music like flutes and drums. And the actors use masks. So that’s about it. All you need to know about no. Remember: Just say no!

Resources: World Book Encyclopedia and the NZ Herald.

A JOKE

Ok, here’s a joke. There was a travelling salesman who was driving from one town to another. He was in the middle of the country and he ran out of petrol. He remembered passing a farm house so he grabbed the petrol tin and started walking. He got to the farm house and the knocked on the door. It was answer by the farmer. The man explained his situation to the farmer. The farmer took the petrol can and poured some petrol from a can he had in his barn into it. He gave the man a ride back to the car on his tractor. The farmer stayed and made sure the car started then he left. The man drove to the next down and filled his tank up with petrol. The next day he sold 100 vacuum cleaners.

MONKEY NOISES

I bet you think your personality sucks. Have your friends ever told you that your personality is dumb. Well there’s only one thing you need to do to make your personality better and more dynamic. Just make monkey noises.

Yes, that’s all it takes. Make monkey noises!

Happy: Hoo, hoo hooo, aaah, ahh.
Angry: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

If you have trouble making them, don’t worry, just practice, practice, practice and soon the oyster will be your world.

Here are some comments by cool people about people who make monkey noises:

“Quite nice.”

“Umm, they must be pretty good at animal impersonations, because you can recognise that they’re monkey noises”

“It bores me stiff, frankly, quite frankly”

Well, there you go. Make monkey noises and have a better personality. It works for me.

HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND GET UNINTERRUPTED SLEEP

Have you ever been hassled by friends, loved ones or anyone else about being asleep at two o’clock in the afternoon? Well, don’t listen to a word they say because I reckon it’s ok. Eight hours sleep (or how ever much you need, eight is an average. Some people need more, others need less) is sleep whether it’s from 10 pm to 6 am, 3 am to 11 am, or 4 pm to midnight. You get sleep and that’s good. But if you are living with people who sleep at different times to you it is common courtesy to listen to your stereo with headphones while they’re asleep and the same goes for them when you’re sleep. Now for a relevant story.

THE KIWI AND THE WEKA

Ok, once there was the kiwi and the weka. The kiwi slept during the day and played and hunted for worms and stuff at night. The Weka slept at night and did things during the day. Anyway one day the kiwi was asleep and the weka was making a lot of noise. This kept waking the kiwi up and he got really cranky. That night when the weka was asleep and the kiwi was making noise the weka kept waking up and got annoyed with the kiwi. So both the kiwi and the weka were pissed off at each other for making noise while the other was asleep. When they were both awake they confronted each other about the noise. The kiwi didn’t see why the weka couldn’t sleep during the night and the weka couldn’t understand why the kiwi didn’t sleep at night. They saw that the other was not like them. They decided to co-operate. They agreed that when one was sleeping the other would be quite. That worked well and they got good sleep from then on. They were so happy that they sang this song:

The Co-operation Song
Co-operation, that’s working together
Ooo-oooo-ooo

I hope we have all learned a lesson.

Leave a Reply