Funeral Arrangements

This is all assuming that I die (and I will die) with my body more or less intact. In the circumstance that I end up horribly mutilated or something, adjustments need to be made.

The first thing that is done with a dead body is embalmment. I object to embalmment. When I was at school I visited a funeral parlour and had the process described to me. I do not want the blood in my dead body pumped out and replaced with embalming fluid. I do not want plastic caps placed on my eyeballs to keep my eyelids closed. I do not want my internal organs removed. I do not want to have heavy make-up put on to make my corpse look un-dead.

It seems that the whole purpose of embalming is to make a dead body look like it is still alive. Like the person has just gone to sleep. But dead is not alive, dead is dead, accept it. I am not Eva Peron, do not embalm me.

Secondly, the coffin. Coffins are shockingly expensive. And what happens with it? It gets buried, never to be seen again. What would be more appropriate is a cardboard box. Not like an empty fridge box, but I believe special cardboard coffins are made.

And now for burial. There will be a burial. I really object to cremation. Dead or alive I do not wish my body to be burned. So I want to be buried in my cardboard coffin. What would be really cool is to just be buried in the ground without a coffin, but that might be a bit too hard to arrange. A cool idea would be to plant a tree over the burial site so the trees roots would grow through my decomposing body.

As far as the funeral goes, I don’t think it would be right for the funeral to be in a church. Just one of those funeral function places. No soppy songs. No deliberately emotional music like “Lightning Crashes” or, ahem, “Candle in the Wind” that makes people go boo hoo. Something like “A.D.I.D.A.S.” by KoRn would be cool.

I would also like to add that I do not wish for my funeral to be conducted by a funeral celebrate or some other professional funeral conductor who never knew me. I say this because I do not wish for uninformed sentences such as “Robyn enjoyed the www cyber internet and like chatting with her friends on the info superhighway and did some www pages with a picture of her cat Mr Fluffy and her close friends the McKay family of Hamilton. She hoped one day to marry her cyber-fiance HuGGGy1” to ever be uttered.

Dress is not to be formal. And I will not be buried in something I didn’t wear in life.

And also, there will be no “It’s what she would have wanted”. This is what I want.

I feel it is also important that I add that I do not wish to be buried in Hamilton. The thought of being buried in the Newstead Lawn Cemetery with all the drunk driving bogans and suicides is really sad pathetic thing.

So, to summarise, when I die, put me in a cardboard box, dig a hole, bury me, plant a tree and have a party.

Ok, now y’all go and have a good time.

And remember: The first three letters of funeral spell FUN!

I’ve just reread this five years after I wrote it, and I still believe in most of it. I’m not sure if I’d want the funeral to be in one of those funeral function places, though, because they are usually really dull places. But I’m not sure what would make for a good substitute.

I’ve also found this company that specialises in the kind of funerals that I’m into. I also understand that the Waitakere Cemetary has a few eco-friendly funeral plots. I really like the idea of having a tree instead of a big ol’ slab of granite.

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