Horror

I can handle most film genres. Even westerns (High Noon is the funky shit). But I have to draw the line at horror films. I just don’t like them.

I’ve seen Friday The 13th, and the Evil Dead trilogy, and caught a few snippets of other horror films on TV, but there’s no way I’d see a horror film by choice.

I guess the thing I don’t like is all the tension. Build-up and release, build-up and release. But it’s not even good. Not even Scream appeals to me. I don’t think I’d get the in-jokes because I wasn’t there the first time around.

For me, horror films are not horrifying. But I’ll tell you what is.

It’s a film called Sex. It was made in 1978 and stars a geriatric Mae West (she was 85 years old) playing a newlywed. Her husband is played by 32 year old Timothy Dalton. That in itself is pretty terrifying, but it’s only the surface.

The basic story is, Mae West’s character, a multiple divorcee has recently married. She’s at a hotel on their honeymoon, which is also hosting a political conference. Some ambassador type person is a former husband of hers, and she’s asked to seduce him into agreeing to something. She doesn’t want to, but in the end she gives in.

It gets worse. It’s a musical.

None of the music is original. In one scene, Dom DeLuise dances atop a grand piano while singing The Beatles’ “Honey Pie.” Why? God knows.

The show stopper is the, er, tender moment where Timothy Dalton sings “Love will keep us together” (originally by Captain and Tenille) to Mae while she contributes “No, stop” in appropriate moments.

Now about Miss West. When she was younger she was great. She was funny and sexy and had men wrapped around her little finger. In this film she’s 85. She wears slinky gowns. She has long blonde hair which has got to be a wig. She’s old and wrinkled and and saggy and looks like Dr Phibes (now that was actually a pretty good horror movie).

The movie ends with her resolving all issues with her previous lovers. Timothy, who is an English lord, has mistakenly thought she’s not interested in him and has gone off to his boat to sulk. He starts quietly singing “Love will keep us together” to himself. Suddenly he hears “No, stop” coming from the bedroom. He investigates and there is his new bride in bed wearing a lacy nightie waiting for her husband. He kisses her… on the cheek.

Then something wonderful happens. The film ends. Yes, thankfully and mercifully we are spared the site of Mae and Timothy gettin’ it on. The closing credits roll over their boat a-chuggin’ down the Thames.

To watch this is a test of human endurance. When I saw it I had glandular fever and just didn’t have the physical strength to walk away or even change channels.

Normal, healthy people attempting to watch this movie should ask themselves, “should I be watching this sober?” The answer is no.

I am warning you. This film is a nightmare.

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