The Rules of Engagement

A Millennium Girl’s Guide to Love in the Nineties

♥ Make mysterious phone calls to him in the middle of the night. If necessary, disguise your voice and ask for Senor Rodriguez.

♥ Men are slack arses. Make things easy for them, and throw in a packet of chips.

♥ Tell yourself, “I am a bitch and men are scared of me.”

♥ Reveal everything. The more gruelling and painful, the better.

♥ Behave as if all the troubles of the world are crushing down upon you every second of the day.

♥ On a date… be sure to mention that this is the first Saturday in ages you haven’t spent at home, alone, listening to The Cure.

♥ On a date… laugh at him.

♥ On a date… aim to have told him that he is the chosen one and that you are destined to be together forever by the time you’re having coffee.

♥ If you feel calm and relaxed, think to yourself, “Are my nipples visible through this top?”

♥ Don’t put lipstick on when you’re jogging unless you want it smeared all over your face. But some guys probably go for that, so you might as well.

♥ Cover your body from head to toe with cheap deodorant body spray.

♥ Act like a man, including putting on a deep voice and adjusting your crotch. Guys dig this.

♥ Wear lots of old black clothes. Worn out Metallica t-shirts are tres sexy.

♥ Be like everyone else. If it works for them, it’ll work for you.

♥ Impress him with your smooth, graceful and sexy line dancing moves.

♥ To add a little spice, dress like a man. A sock down the jocks works a charm.

♥ Always be the first to talk. If necessary, gag him to prevent him from talking first.

♥ Men like long hair – especially under the arms and on your legs. It gives them something to play with.

♥ Look to transvestite hookers for ways of emphasising your femininity. Fish net stockings and pink latex miniskirts are hot.

♥ Try and see him as much as possible. Surprise him by breaking in to his house and appearing naked on his bed when he gets home.

♥ If he wants you to stop… he’ll have to get a restraining order!

♥ Tell him about every single bad thing that happens in your day. If necessary, make a list to help you remember.

♥ If a man asks you if you’re having a good time, simply smile and say, “Who the hell wants to know?”

♥ Call his answering machine and leave messages consisting of sighing and hanging up.

♥ If you want to get him to dance, get the DJ to play “I wanna sex you up”, grab him by the hand and drag him to the floor.

♥ If you have trouble meeting men, go to a men’s sauna or those toilets in the park after midnight. They are plenty there.

♥ To catch a man’s attention, stare at him, and do not look away until he comes over and asks what’s up your arse.

♥ If you don’t know what to say, just talk about whatever crap comes into your head.

♥ Alternatively, don’t say anything. Just make little sighing noises.

♥ KFC is a great place for a first date.

♥ Pay for every thing. If he insists on paying, hit him over the head, grab his wallet and run.

♥ Be the one to end a phone call. Hang up in mid-sentence, if necessary.

♥ In the middle of a phone call, stop and yell “Raoul! Stop that! Put it back!”

♥ If you’re at home on Friday, call him and tell him this. Then hang up.

♥ If your mother can’t wait for you to get married, take her along on the date, and get her to bring her glock.

♥ Show him how your bedroom walls are covered with your names in different combinations.

♥ Good topics to talk about are your favourite porno films and politics. See if you can combine the two topics.

♥ Keep mentioning that you are sought after by men named Carlo, Nathanial, Maximilian and Dave.

♥ Lend him your diary of the past year, with all previous suicide attempts bookmarked.

♥ Hire a private investigator to track down all the bitches he’s rooted. Have them killed.

♥ Break into his house in the middle of the night and say that it’s time that you had a serious talk.

♥ Make sure you earn more money than he does. If necessary, sell drugs to boost your income. Brag about it on a daily basis.

♥ End a date first. Say, “I know we’ve only got here and we haven’t even eaten, but I really must be going. I have lots of, uh, things to do.”

♥ Stop dating him if he sends you flowers. If necessary, pour lighter fluid on them, set fire to them and throw them through his window.

♥ At the end of the first date demand he kiss you goodnight. With tongue.

♥ If he doesn’t have sex with you after the first date he’s probably gay.

♥ If he asks if you are using contraception, be mysterious and don’t let him know.

♥ He must be the first one to say “I love you” but you may say such phrases as “I can’t live without you. If you ever left me I think I’d probably kill myself.” or “Whenever I look at you, I can see the sweet love of Jesus within your eyes.”

♥ Tell everyone you know about him. Put up a web page about him.

♥ If he’s not giving you the attention to want, say “Why the hell are you ignoring me, bitch?”

♥ Don’t do anything in case he surprises you and wants to ask you out. If he doesn’t, go over to his house and say “I’m all alone and it’s all your fault.”

♥ If you’re going after a married man, tell his wife.

♥ If he comes to pick you up for a date, don’t answer the door. Instead yell out “I can’t be bothered getting up. The door’s unlocked and stuff.”

♥ If he asks you out, say “yes” immediately. Even mid-sentence. If it turns out he wasn’t asking you out, pretend you were singing a song that goes “Yes yes yes”.

Leave a Reply