If I was the wife of a fascist dictator I would probably have a lot of shoes. Not because I have a shoe obsession, but rather because I am so incredibly bad at buying shoes.

Like Cinderella’s skanky ho sisters, I squeeze my feet into a shoe thinking, “Well, it’s tight, but the leather will stretch.” Walking down the street, feet blistered and sore I realise that the leather will not stretch enough to turn my recent purchase into a comfortable pair of shoes.

The one piece of advice that people give about buying shoes is to buy them later in the day, when you’ve been on your feet for a while and presumably your feet will have swelled and are bigger than they would be first thing in the morning.

It almost seems the opposite for me. When I try on a pair of shoes during the day they fit well, then when I put them on in the morning they seem a lot tighter. Why?

The whole shoe fiasco isn’t helped by my left foot being half a size bigger than my right foot. I have to put up with one shoe fitting ok, and the other one either being tighter or looser.

I get paranoid. I don’t want shoes that are going to be too tight and end up buying shoes too big that they occasionally fly off my feet. I don’t want that to happen, so I buy shoes that are too small.

At least I’m not like the girl at my high school whose feet were so big that she had to wear men’s shoes, or get custom made women’s shoes.

But I’m still bad at buying shoes. I just don’t seem to be able to do it well. In the last year I’ve bought three pairs of shoes that seemed to fit ok in the shop but turned out to be disastrous when I tried walking down the street in them.

I have a new pair of shoes. They appear to fit ok. And they’ll probably stretch a bit. Hopefully.

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