“Men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.”
– Dorothy Parker

I’d been wearing glasses since I was 17 (only for driving and things like watching movies) and I was greatly disturbed by the severe absence of men who were making passes at me. I decided to put a stop to this shocking situation immediately, so I went off to the optometrist and demanded some contact lenses.

The nice optometrist lady tested my eyes and inserted a contact lens in each eye for me to try out.

Oh it sounds nice and simple from writing about it, but the truth is much more complicated.

The human body had all these defence mechanisms to stop it getting hurt. If something comes really near your eye, your body freaks out and closes the eyelid. So if you’re trying to get a contact lens in, your body is going “No! Piss off! Get that little plasticy thing away from me!” and making your eyelid shut.

This can make inserting a contact lens somewhat difficult.

So every morning for the first couple of weeks I’d spend about half an hour trying to get a little plasticy thing in my eye. Sometimes I’d think I had it in, but would end up with the lens folded in half, stuck to itself on my lower eye lashes. Eventually I got better at it.

Now I can walk the streets with everything in the background being sharp and clear. Oh, the beautiful blue sky!

However, I am disturbed that since I got contacts, men have not started making passes at me. From this I can only conclude that Dorothy Parker was a lying cow.

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