Spamorama

The new email program I’m using has such excellent spam filtering that hardly any spam gets through. I was taking a look through my folder of filtered spam and I realised how little of it is actually relevant to me. Maybe if I were an overweight American man suffering from sexual dysfunction, but with a liking for farm girls, and who had major financial problems and a desire to work from home, maybe then it’d be more interesting to read.

Badly written (Why use one full-stop when using three just has that much more impact?), yet enthusiastic emails show up trying to get me really excited about various fabulous opportunities. But they all get it so, so wrong.

Are you drowning in too much high interest monthly debt?

No, as it happens I’m not. Like that Bros song, “I owe you nothing, oo-er, nothing at all.”

Would you like to lose weight while you sleep!
Sexual Potency 75% improvement.
Emotional Stability 67% improvement.

Losing weight while you sleep is no big claim, but to be 75% more sexually potent and 67% more emotionally stable is pretty impressive. It’s like if you took advantage of this spam you’d be able to engage in a cracker of a one night stand and not get all obsessive the next day.

Mortgage companies make you wait…
They Demand to Interview you…
They Intimidate you…
They Humiliate you…

We Turn the Tables on Them…
Now, You’re In Charge

Cool, so does this mean that I get to interview, intimidate and humiliate mortgage companies? Not that anyone would loan me money, but it’s a nice thought anyway.

Are you paying too much for: CREDIT CARD BILLS? MEDICAL BILLS? COLLECTION ACCOUNTS?

No! No! No!

Dear Windows User

Ha ha, suckers. I use a Mac.

200% return could have been achieved in less than 30 days!

Example: A $5,000 Investment in the Euro vs the dollar, “properly positioned”, on 7/17/01 could possibly have returned $12,500 on 08/10/01.

Y’know, that actually works out to be an increase of only 150%.

Must be 21 years of age.

Dammit, I’m 27.

What do you Really Know about your Employee?
What do you Really Know about your Lover?
What do you Really Know about your Baby Sitter?
What do you Really Know about your Business Associate?

I know my employee isn’t showing up to work, which is good because it means I don’t have to pay him/her. My lover is never around and I don’t even know his name. My baby sitter never seems to show up when I want to go out. Actually, the baby never seems to be around either. As for my business associate, when was the last time I saw him?

Want to join our free sex party? Your Neighbour, Your Girlfriend, Your Boss! They’re all on.

Free sex party! Woohoo, oh but look who’s going to be there. I’ll finally get to meet that old lady who lives next door, I can meet this girlfriend person, and I can ask my boss what company it is that I work for and why I’m not getting paid.

FEEL 10 YEARS YOUNGER WITH ORAL SPRAY HGH.

Turn back your body’s Biological Time Clock 10 – 20 years.

Twenty years ago I was seven and I don’t think I’d want to feel like a seven-year-old. Ten years ago I was 17 and arse to going through my final year of high school again.

Many Americans only get to see their loved ones and friends two or three times a year.

How would you like to see them daily for a fraction of the cost of phoning them?

What? They are giving me the opportunity to see the friends and loved ones of Americans on a daily basis? “Hey, it’s Tony and Sharon! Hi guys! Good to see you again. Ok, bye.”

If you are not the manager at your restaurant, please ignore this message.

Done.

Is your spouse cheating online? Are your kids talking to dangerous people on instant messenger?

Statistically speaking, I am more likely to be the person your spouse cheats with online or that dangerous instant messaging stranger.

I am a financially independent wealth-builder, who finds great pleasure in mentoring.

Kill the Rat! Get out of the Rat Race!

This one is a bit disturbing. The metaphor of the rat race is that you are one of the rats. To kill the rat is to kill yourself. But perhaps this wealth-builder will show you how to do it metaphorically.

Hot Girls And Wild Horses!

God bless the internet.

This message has been sent to you as a subscriber of the “Gambler’s Update Report”

There are periods of time I can’t account for where I seem to be subscribing to all these mailing lists. I can’t think why I joined this one; I don’t gamble often. Perhaps I was planning to build some wealth then gamble it away?

As a rule, I delete all unsolicited “junk” e-mail and use my account primarily for business. I received what I assumed was this same e-mail countless times and deleted it each time.

Hey, same here. Except for the business part.

CORRECTIONAL FACILITIES – PRISON MINISTRIES – Since you will be a Certified Minister, you can visit others in need. Preach the Word of God to those who have strayed from the flock, who are ready to CHANGE their lives – You can play a major part in that decision!

I like this idea – becoming a minister on the internet, then getting to visit prisons and try and lead the incarcerated back to the path of righteousness. Hallelujah!

European style fat removal system has helped thousands to look and feel better!

Ivan and Sven will come and haul all your fat away.

A practical, low cost, safe alternative that is COMPLETELY NATURAL – Certified Natural Bust Capsules!

Oh man, that’s one thing I so don’t need. Although, if they really worked you could spike some guy’s drink and have manbreasts a go-go.

BURNS AND SMOKES EASIER!
TOKES DEEPER!
TASTES SWEETER!
LASTS LONGER!

Shroo hoo hoo!

So power-smokin potent is our new formulation, that much to our delight and actually even to our amazement, we have even be able to establish a very happy clientele within the hard core stoner market.

Of all the claims made by various spams, I think this one is the most impressive. They managed to crack the hard core stoner market! Do you realise how hard this is to do? Good on them!

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