I saw “Crossroads”, otherwise known as The Britney Movie. If you want to see a really fun movie with pop stars, pop music and everyone having a good time, see “A Hard Day’s Night” or “Spice World”. If you want to see a dreary, overly serious waste of time, see “Crossroads”.
But you’re probably not going to see it, so here’s a basic plot summary:
Britney hates her friends, father, wants to meet her mother and get laid. Britney travels from Georgia to California with her friends and a bad boy. Britney meets her mother, but her mother is a bitch. Britney bonds with her friends and father, sleeps with bad boy. Britney sings “Not a girl, not yet a woman”. Everything is ok.
It got me thinking. It could have been a better film. It could have been a much different film. Here are some ideas I had on ways “Crossroads” could have been improved:
- The climax of “Crossroads” happened when Britney loses her virginity. This is also what happened in “American Pie.” So instead of making a teen movie about a bunch of guys who want to get laid, make it about Britney’s epic quest to have the burden of her virginity relieved.
- Blues musician Robert Johnson was said to have met the devil at some crossroads at midnight, and sold his soul in exchange for being able to play the guitar like he was born to play. So Britney meets the devil at some crossroads and sells her soul and transforms from a mediocre Mickey Mouse Club performer to a million-selling pop singer.
- Instead of contriving that “Not a girl, not yet a woman” was written in motel room with lyrics by Britney and music by the bad boy, instead be a bit more honest and showed Max Martin and Rami in Sweden working with Dido, emailing bits back and forth, then sticking it all together in ProTools. Yeah, that’d make a good movie.
- Apply the “Crossroads” formula to make a film about Nsync. There could be a scene where the older woman who’s giving the boys a lift to California asks JC to read her some of his poetry and he reads out, “I get so excited when I’m watchin’, girl. I can’t wait to see you touch your body, girl.” But instead of writing some sappy music she’d nail him.
- Instead of basing the movie around “Not a girl, not yet a woman”, make it about “I’m a slave 4 u.” Taking inspiration from the video, Britney and pals hang out in an abandoned building, get all sweaty and writhe about with a snake. It could also be an emotional journey where everyone learns a lesson and becomes stronger.
- Or the next time Britney says “I want to star in a movie”, someone sits her down with every film Madonna made after “Desperately Seeking Susan” and makes her watch them over and over until the truth sinks in.