Go to Hell

On Friday night a street preacher handed me a small booklet with the following test:

1. Have you ever told a lie, exaggerated, told a half-truth?
No! Of course not!

2. Have you ever stolen anything (a paper clip, a piece of fruit, etc)?
It’s wrong to steal paper clips? Shit. I guess that also means that it would have been wrong to take home a ream of paper and a keyboard wrist rest on my last day of work at my old job.

3. Have you ever used the name of “Jesus,” “Christ,” or “God” as a swear word?
Christ no.

4. Have you ever cheated?
Once I was playing cards with my flatmates and I accidentally saw my flatmate’s hand and used that to my advantage. Oh my God, he’d just had a shower and was wearing a towel and a t-shirt and was sitting cross legged and I accidentally saw his goolies. Is that bad?

5. Have you ever disrespected your parents by talking harshly to them?
Yes, but sometimes they deserve it.

6. Have you ever really wanted something that someone else had, e.g. money, looks, etc.
Sometimes I think that life would be a bit easier for me if I was really pretty, but then I think it would come with its own set of disadvantages. I mean, I’m glad that I never have to contend with guys who would fall in love with me based solely on my physical self, only to have things go horribly wrong once we get to know each other. Yeah, bags not having a perky ass.

7. Do you reject that the God of the Bible is the only true God?
What? Um, I haven’t given that one much thought.

8. Have you ever made up a god to suit yourself?
Oh, is that like the Aerosmith song “Lord of the Thighs?” Like, if I proclaimed myself to be the High Priestess of Booty? That’d be cool.

9. Have you ever hated someone and wished they were dead?
Not since I was eight years old, no.

10. Have you ever thought about or had sex outside of marriage?

The booklet concludes that I am going to Hell.

Later it speaks of Jesus’ love:

“He voluntarily shed his blood, was beaten, whipped, abused, deserted and finally nailed to a cross and killed. Jesus was completely innocent but suffered all this for us. He took the punishment that we all deserve for our disobedience.”

Dammit, but that makes Jesus sound like an S&M daddy.

Also revealed: “[God] owns us and has every right to ask us to do anything he wants us to do.”

It’s sounding even more like a master-slave relationship. There’s no mention of what the safeword is.

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