Things I Learned from Watching the “Police Ten 7” Special on P

“P” or “pure” or “crystal methamphetamine” is a crazy drug that is apparent reaching epidemic proportions in New Zealand. I dunno. I’ve asked around and I think I only know one person who’s tried it. But then I certainly have heard a few rumours of various people employed in the entertainment industry whose lives are slowly being fucked up by the P.

Fortunately the crime busting TV show “Police Ten 7” had a special on P, showing the far-reaching effects of the drug. For those of you who missed it, I have summarised the main points of the show here:

P Makes You Knock Over Cardboard Display Stands In Pharmacies
A reconstruction showed an evil p-making woman going to a chemist shop to buy a cold/flu remedy with pseudoephedrine. The pharmacist, gleefully overacting as he played himself, initially sold her a bottle of cough syrup. The p-woman then returns saying that she actually needed the pills, but the pharmacist explains that he can’t exchange or refund items that have left the shop. She gets really angry and starts yelling at him, and then storms out of the store, shoving over a cardboard display stand on her way out.

P Makes You Have A Really Flat New Zealand Accent
Two former P abusers were interviewed. They were both filmed in shadows and had their voices digitally altered, but their accent was unmistakable. “Pey roined moi loif.” The sheer thought of this horror happening to me was enough to make vow to never let this insidious demon into my life.

P Makes People Freak Out In An Amusing Fashion
Another fine reconstruction showed a guy strung out on P being arrested and taken to a holding cell. He totally freaked out. It was really cool. It must have been really fun for the actor. Most crime show reconstructions would just involve service station hold-ups and stuff like that, but this guy had the rare honour of summoning all his method acting skills and totally freaking out. He yelled, he screamed, he mushed his face up against the glass. Later, when he’d calmed down a bit, he ran his finger along the concrete blocks in the cell wall. Subtle, yet moving.

P Might Not Be P
A P expert said that sometimes the little baggies with the amusing alien print on them might not actually contain pure P! They might be mixed with other items. This is shocking news. P buyers need to band together to demand quality product. The industry needs to set minimum standards. If dodgy P gets sold, people should write to “Fair Go”.

P Does Not Help The Children
P labs are often set up in home kitchens. The grown-ups do some P-making and don’t clean up properly, leaving P and other chemicals all over the kitchen bench. The next day their cute child comes along and makes a peanut butter sandwich on the bench. The bread gets covered with P and the next thing you know the kid is demanding to host his own breakfast radio show. Come on, P-making parents: use some Spray’n’Wipe!

Leave a Reply