I’ve discovered I’m actually young enough to audition for NZ Idol. I’m a mere 28 days under the upper age limit, so theoretically I could show up and belt out a shitty version of “I was made for loving you baby” in front of (rumour, rumour) Dave Dobbyn.

Except it wouldn’t really be worth it. I wouldn’t be good enough to get through to the next group, and I wouldn’t be bad enough to get on to the so-bad-they’re-good rejectees show. It’d just be middlingly mediocre. Oh dear.

Then there’s the evil contract that would entitled the producer to do what they like with the recordings of Idol contestants “throughout the universe in perpetuity in all media whether now known or hereafter invented.” I know it’s just legal arse-covering, but I like how it actually would still be enforceable if Mars was colonised and some kind of Martian TV was set up.

And there’s also the clause that allows the producer to “dub my voice in any language”. I’m sorry, but I’m not willing to give that right up. I want to be able to sleep at night knowing that I haven’t been badly dubbed into Hungarian.

But I did take a look at the NZ Idol application form, and have decided to answer it anyway.

NZ Idol Application Form

Who are your idols?
Mother Theresa, Princess Diana, Madonna, Jesus Christ, Buddha, Krishna, Mohammad and Britney Spears.

How well can you sing?
Well enough to sing my way out of a mindfield in Cambodia, then sing my way through a bunch of machinegun-wielding ex-Khmer Rouge mercenaries in the frontier town of Pailin, and well enough that after having lost my passport I was able to sneak through swamps in the dead of night and swim to the relative comfort and safety of Vietnam. I also sang “I will always love you” at my cousin’s wedding, moving my aunt to tears.

Why should we pick you?
In 1963 in the small Andalusian village of Ayamonte, a young girl was helping her mother wash some clothes. Slipping on a wet stone, she fell and cut her hand. Her mother bound her wound in a nearby petticoat. After the bleeding had ceased, the mother set about washing the blood from the petticoat. To her amazement, only some of the blood washed away. No matter how hard she scrubbed, some of the blood remained, staining the petticoat. The mother hung the petticoat out to cry. Suddenly the girl cried out, “Mama! Es la madre santa!” (“Mama, it is the holy mother!”) Her mother looked up, and there she saw the blood had formed the likeness of the Virgin Mary. With this in mind, it should be clear now that me filling in this form is a mere formality.

Have you had any experience in the entertainment industry?
Featured player in “Barely Legal Babes 29” Please note: Despite vicious rumours to the contrary, I was actually over 18 when this was filmed. It’s just that there are some people, some haters, who can’t stand to see other people’s success in the entertainment industry and will start spreading rumours. Well, I just want to say that I am not going to dignify that with a response and that it’s just tall poppy syndrome and if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it. References available on request.

What is your proudest achievement to date?
I really wish I could say that it was the time I sang a solo performance at my school concert, which my busy parents saw after learning a valuable life lesson about the importance of family, or I wish I could say it was the birth of my beautiful baby daughter Maddysohn, but instead I have to say that it was when I made a break through in my anger management support group and was able to make it to the end of a meeting without hitting anyone. I realised I’d grown as a human being when that happened.

Number the following in order of your ability
(start with 1 for best – down to 4 for worst)

Singing 730
Dancing 0.9999993
Songwriting/playing I would prefer to not rate myself on this aspect, thanks.
Acting 2

Describe yourself in ten words
Notorious criminal gangsta villain. Also very passionate about music. Passionate.

Anything else we should know?
I am very passionate about music!!!!!!!!! And instant noodles!!!! But mostly music. You can tell I am 4 real because I use the word passionate a lot! Therefore I really mean it, even though I have nothing to back it up!!!!! But I do have a certificate in instant noodles.

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