Plonk

Observations on three current television commercials

1. The Lynx Voodoo ad
A fellow sprays some Lynx on, a mosquito bites him, a frog eats the mosquito, an old man eats the frog legs then soon dies when being intercoursed by a sexy chiquita, a worm eats his buried body, the worm ends up in a bottle of tequila and the guy who drinks the worm suddenly becomes irresistible to women. The message is clear: LYNX VOODOO WILL CAUSE PREMATURE DEATH.

2. The Tip Top Super Soft bread ad
A cute girl talks about great Kiwi inventions. Apparently massively refining wheat to the point where it resembles sponge and has the nutritional qualities of sugar is something that we, as a nation, should be proud of in a cute way.

3. The Continental Tortellini for one ad
A hip single chick in her hip single apartment splits off into two alternative universes at dinner time. In one universe she heats up a ready meal in the microwave; in the other she mixes up the tortellini and powdered cheese sauce. The microwave universe is bleak and green. The powdered cheese universe is bright and happy and she dances around with a glass of red wine. Finally she cheerfully settles down on the coach with her instant pasta and the wine. The alternate universe microwave meal consumption is not shown, probably because it would involve finishing off the bottle of wine and weeping bitter tears of loneliness.

Yes, this is instant pasta for the recently dumped. Heat and eat nutrition for women who couldn’t manage cooking from scratch because it would bring back too many painful memories. Cheesy goodness for ladies who lunch at their desk but haven’t yet the constitution to dine alone.

Well, I know that I a) have no trouble cooking quick, decent meals and b) don’t require wine to make it through a solitary evening.

In a special bonus piece of investigative Live Journalism, I looked at a packet of this quality food item at the supermarket today. On the back there is a recommendation for a matching wine. If they were being honest they would recommend getting the cheapest red wine with the highest alcoholic content, but instead they keep up a facade of urban chic by recommending actual varieties of red wine.

There’s also a recommendation for renting a romantic movie. No specific titles, just about how great it is to watch romantic movies because in the end the girl gets the guy (unlike the consumer, who lives in the apocalyptic limbo of the recently-dumped) Yeah, it really is for recently dumped chicks – otherwise they’d be recommending “The Apprentice” or “Extreme Makeover”.

Urgh, pass the microwave voodoo white bread.

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