Oh, no. It’s the 2004 Food Show. Unlike last year, where I showed great restraint, this year I had but one goal: To get my money’s worth for the $15 entry fee. Oh dear. I did all the things I’d vowed not to do.
- I picked up toothpicks and speared them in cheese cubes.
- I sampled bits of meat that all tasted identical.
- I took microscopic slivers of chocolate.
- I dipped bits of bread into olive oil, and – in a new twist – dipped those oiled bits of bread into bowls of herbs and spices.
- I tried samples of ice cream.
- I felt horribly ill and had to sit down.
I realised that there is a good reason why people usually eat while they’re sitting down – because it’s physically uncomfortable to eat a lot in a vertical position. I found took a seat in the back of the cooking demonstration area and attempted to digest the previous hour’s samples, but just managed to felt like a gluttonous fat-arse, not unlike Governor Phatt from Monkey Island 2.
The cheese and ice cream demo guy was halfway through mixing up some cheesy stuff when I realised that a) I am sooo over cheese and b) I wasn’t feeling ill anymore, so I got up off my not-so-fat-anymore arse and got back to the food show. I can report the following:
- I feel sorry for people with a gluten intolerance. The gluten-free breads I tried were either dry and crumbly or damp and spongy. I don’t feel sorry for people who just go gluten-free as a last-ditch weight loss attempt.
- At the Vanilla Direct stand, I overhead one of the Vanilla guys saying that they were planning on changing the company name to The Natural Vanilla Company because, apparently, company names that are “[Product Name] Direct” are old and gimmicky. Whereas “The [Product Name] Company” isn’t?
- I remember at the Food Show about four years ago when all the organic food was a bit freaky and hippyish. Now it’s getting very very ordinary and mainstream.
- I scored a chart showing when fruit and vegetables are in season because, y’know, it’s more ethically sound to buy things in season and minimise environmental damage caused by international shipping.
- It’s interesting to see how Cadbury were discretely pimping their Mother Earth and (ahem) Natural Confectionary Company brands. “It’s so good that someone is making food without all that muck in it,” said one overexcited show visitor.
- Cyclops have this new liquorice-flavoured yoghurt that is unexpectedly delicious.
- I bought an oven cloth. I’ve never actually been able to get my oven to work, but, um, it was only $1.
- I also got some Nick’s Pasta fettucine for $1. I believe Nick himself sold it to me.
- I was in the midst of pilfering two sample boxes of Special K when the Kellogg’s lady said, “Would you like a sample of Special K?” “Yes, thanks,” I politely replied in the midst of stuffing the boxes in my bag and walking away.