What you’re lookin’ for

It’s a Saturday night and I’m having a quiet weekend, so I thought I’d go through my referer logs to see what people googled that led them to my website.

There are a lot of words on my website, and sometimes Google leads people to pages that don’t have anything to do with what they’re searching for.

Here are my favourite searches for the last month, with annotations.

secret passages
This is by far the most common search term, for which I blame my domain name. I also get a lot of searches like “how do i know if i have a secret passage” (Answer: measure up). And I bet the people asking live in tiny apartments.

gangsta rhymes for teenagers
Yo, yo, kids. Stay in school.
Don’t smoke reefer or you’ll be a fool.
Wait till you’re married before you have sex.
And don’t go on the internet.
Word to your mum!

grammar effects of cellphones
I don’t think txt spk has any effect on grammar. The spelling changes, but as far as I can see, the grammar, boringly enough, stays the same. do u no wot i mean??

massage my back
No.

i love justin watkins
I like that idea that someone is so into this Justin Watkins guy that they’ve typed a declaration of their love into google, and just gone where it’s taken them. Or maybe Justin himself is checking up on his admirers. (Hi, Justin!!!!)

streap tease captain & tenille
This one freaks me out, man. First, the searcher can’t spell “striptease”, and also the idea of someone doing a striptease to any Captain and Tennille song, well, it’s the opposite of hot. Shake it to “Muskrat Love”?

nestle “animal bar” vegetarian
Aka, “Are there really animals in a chocolate Animal Bar, and if so, will eating one get me ostracised from my hardcore vegan community? Because I had one for dinner. I was really hungry and it looked really yummy and it was all I had and I ate it. Help!”

tapered harem pants
In the harem, your duty is to the sheikh, and the sheikh likes harem pants for their gigantic voluminous legs. The sheikh does not like it when his wives get ideas in their heads about “fashion” and “nu rock” and “hosepipe trousers”. If you insist on wearing tapered harem pants, the sheikh will cast you out of the harem and take a younger, prettier wife.

what are the names of the band playing in the tree in “there’s something about mary”?
Oh, that’s an easy one. It’s Jonathan Richman, who is lovely and good, and drummer Tommy Larkins.

4 thoughts on “What you’re lookin’ for”

  1. Haha, its always interesting to see what bizarre concoction of words led someone to your blog, but often I find it even more mind-boggling when I Google the phrase they used, and see quite how deeply my blog is buried under pages of results, to wonder just how exactly they got that far and still clicked the link!

    Did none of the other hundred or so links before mine help them out?!

    Ah, internet.

  2. Yeah, many of these search terms show up far past the first results page on Google.

    10 years ago when I was working on the helpdesk at an ISP, a guy rang up saying he’d done a search and it was only letting him view the first 1000 results, and so he wanted to know how he could view the rest.

    I think people get an idea of what sort of webpage they want to find (“A fansite for my awesome boyfriend, Justin Watkins!!!”) and don’t let go until they have exhausted every last google result.

  3. I googled Justin Watkins, and found one that was a ‘Senior Lecturer in Burmese/Myanmar.’ He was quite attractive. I don’t know what a muskrat is, but I am quite sure I wouldn’t want to streap to it.

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