How to grow an effective Movember moustache

So, I was a week into Movember, when I realised that my moustache wasn’t growing. I was a bit concerned about this, but have since discovered that despite all the advances in sexual equality over the past 30 years, women in New Zealand still can’t grow facial hair.

I’m disappointed, but I have decided to make the most out of a bad situation and so I thought I’d share with you my special Movember moustache-growing tips.

HOW TO GROW AN EFFECTIVE MOVEMBER MOUSTACHE

  1. Do not shave your facial hairs.
  2. A healthy body makes a healthy moustache! Be sure to take a brisk walk every day and do a series of stout squat-thrust with hands on hips.
  3. Acquire a photographic image or daguerreotype of a gentleman with luxuriant moustaches, such as Mark Sainsbury or Peter Plumley Walker. Affix the image in a prominent position, such as below your mantelpiece portrait of the Queen.
  4. Every morning, after your daily glass of milk, focus on the image of the moustaches. Concentrate all your mental powers upon the moustaches. Imagine yourself with such luxuriant moustaches. Feel the hair in the photograph dancing through the air until it reaches your upper labial area.
  5. Repeat this visualisation exercise daily after your evening corned beef sandwich.
  6. Before retiring at night, massage a small quantity of goose fat into the moustache area.
  7. Ensure that non-moustaschial areas such as the chin, cheeks and neck are cleanly shorn to emphasise the moustaches. If you are a fan of the Phoenix Foundation pop group, do not listen to their music during the month of November as it has been known to trigger growth of full facial hair.
  8. Cleanse the moustache with coal tar soap and groom with a fine-tooth comb.
  9. Follow the above steps, and by November 31nd, you will have your own luxuriant moustaches, which will attract the attention of many townsfolk.
  10. Ensure that the moustaches are shorn by the yuletide season, as a mark of respect to the sweet Christ child.
Ginge mo
Pictured: The authoress in happier times.

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