Frequently Arksed Questions

People get to my website by googling questions they need answers for. As my blog currently can’t provide these answers, I have taken the liberty of answering some of the more popular ones.

What rhymes with Robyn?

Dave Dobbyn.

What to say as weeding MC?

Something about a ho.

What does Buffalo Stance mean?

Let’s start with Buffalo. The Face magazine described it as…

a look an attitude, a gang; a creative collection of photographers, designers, hair stylists, pop stars and models – Marc and James Lebon, Jamie Morgan, Nick and Barry Kamen, Judy Blame, Neneh Cherry, and Mitzi Lorenz, among others – working around the creative hub of superstylist Ray Petri.

Right, so Neneh Cherry’s boyfriend was Cameron McVey, and he was in a pop duo called Morgan-McVey with the above mentioned Jamie Morgan. They had a Stock-Atkin-Waterman produced single called “Looking Good Diving”.

It was released with a b-side remix called “Looking Good Diving with the Wild Bunch”. This involved the instrumental track from the song remixed by the Wild Bunch with Cameron’s girlfriend rapping over the top about the Buffalo scene, pimp, prostitutes, gigolos and how she ain’t going for that flashy shit and was in it for the long haul.

When Neneh Cherry came to release her solo album a year or so later, she rerecorded the song as “Buffalo Stance”, and gave it a bit more attitude. Uh. And a motherfucking breakbeat. Yeah. DJ. Tell it like it is.

What does it mean when they say a participle dangles?

If you see that your friends participle is dangling, you should discretely insert a subject or some punctuation to help clarify things.

What happened to Peter Urlich?

FluFFFy1: So, Peter Urlich of Th’ Dudes and Nice ‘n’ Urlich and TrueBliss fame.
Watkins2000: Who?
FluFFFy1: The lead singer of late ’80s pop/funk act B Cup?
Watkins2000: Oh, that guy.
FluFFFy1: So what’s he up to these days?
Watkins2000: Dunno. He doesn’t do breakfast on George FM any more.
FluFFFy1: He went through that swing singing phase last year. That was pretty choice.
Watkins2000: I liked that. I mean, I *really* like that. He kept it real.
FluFFFy1: Yeah, kia kaha, Peter Urlich.
Watkins2000: Kia kaha.

What to do you to paper mache if it starts to go mouldy?

Ok, first you need to tell it to stop going mouldy. If that doesn’t work you could try yelling at it or hitting it. If that still doesn’t work, tell it you are sorry and you love it and buy it a chocolate bar such as Cadbury Fruit and Nut. That should do the trick. If you have any further problems, put it in the hot water cupboard for a few days.

How many people went to beach last year?

OMG, there were so many people there I almost lost count! Muffy was there and Chad was there and Suzie was there and all the kids from the Bellevue came down and brought matching towels. And we all started to do the starfish dance. It’s so easy to do! Shake it like a starfish! There was soda pop and hotdogs and someone even brought cookies! You should have been there. It was ace! Twelve in total.

How do you pronounce Ngunguru?

En-gun-guru.

Why do New Caledonia people speak French?

They originally learned it at high school and then went on an AFS exchange to Montreal when they were 17 and came home wearing a beret and swearing at their mum in French. Then when they were working in London on their OE, they went over to Paris for a few weeks and had such a good time that when they came back to New Caledonia they decided they’d just keep speaking French and it’s pretty much stuck ever since.

Who is the MC who use a straw to sing?

I don’t know, but he must really suck.

Why is Robyn wearing my shoes and why is Facebook not working?

Ok, first of all? They’re not your shoes. I mean, I know I took them from your bedroom but that was only because you spilt that jug full of margaritas in my shoes and I couldn’t go to work with wet shoes.

And Facebook is working. It’s just blocked for you because the internet doesn’t work for people who go around spilling drinks in people’s shoes.

Why’s the shed locked?

Look, if you want your combine harvester back, you should just ask. I’ll go and get it for you. I only locked the shed to keep it secure. I wasn’t trying to steal it or anything. What would I want with a combine harvester, any way. Oh, by the way, if you see someone selling a combine harvester on Trade Me and it looks a bit like yours, it’s not. It’s just a coincidence and the auction will probably get taken down soon anyway.

How does a dance card work?

  1. Go to a retailer and load a cash value onto your dance card (minimum $10; 25c loading fee).
  2. Go to dance, remembering to swipe your dance card at the door.
  3. Dance.
  4. When dance is complete, swipe your dance card on a card reader and dance amount will be deducted.
  5. Please note: GST not included.
  6. Also note: R&B slowjam incurs 2.5% service charge.
  7. I like it when your butt goes ba-donk-a-donk-donk.

Will the train leave at 5 on Fridays?

No, you’ll need to get there 10 to 15 minutes before or after. Also remember there are Super Saver Saturdays starting next month, so maybe you can postpone.

How come chimpanzees act like little kids?

Because apparently the chimpanzees don’t have the basic human right which says in law that they are allowed to use a firm smack as part of corrective punishment in good parenting, so they grow up undisciplined and watching trash television such as “Baywatch” and “The Dukes of Hazzard” and “The Shogun Miniseries” and so they act like little kids and don’t even go to university and just sit around all day eating carrots and throwing straw at each other. You can’t even dress them up as aristocrats any more and make them have tea parties because apparently it’s “politically incorrect” and “cruel” and “impairs their development”. And they call this progress.

What are the events that happended in the 10 years before I was born in 1989?

1979 – Mr Ed horse dies 🙁
1980 – Reagan’s president elect. Good-time dancin’ stopped.
1981 – Couples For Christ is established in the Philippines.
1982 – Little Prince William is born! A blonde manchild who one day will become king! Maybe I will be his queen!!!!!
1983 – The McNugget was born.
1984 – Muldoon got on the nyak and was like “YO WE IZ GOING 2 DA POLLZ”. Lost.
1985 – Bob Geldof runs a charity fund-raiser fair.
1986 – Aw shit – Space Shuttle Challenger blew up and everyone on it died 🙁
1987 – Stock market crashes; Prozac introduced; modern life declared rubbish.
1988 – Expo ’88 showcased the best of the world in Brisbane, QLD.

Does weed make you infertile?

Think about it, man. The good Lord put the herb on earth for man to smoke. And man and woman have been toking on the sweet sweet mary jane for centuries. And the man and the woman, they have babies. So does the weed make you infertile, the answer is no, brotherman. No, it ain’t.

What do you need to be a cruise ship captain?

  • A motivated self-starter with people skills.
  • Degree in cruise ship captaining from Southland Polytech.
  • One of those captain hats.
  • Teenage daughter who has cocaine problem.
  • Private cabin for captaining the sexy divorcees who come aboard.
  • Comedy eyepatch and plastic wooden leg kit.
  • Must have respect for colourful Irish underclasses singing gaily in steerage.
  • A boat.
  • Ye not be no landlubber.
  • Must like: buffet dining; shuffleboard; PINA COLADAS!!!!!
  • Must also like mermaids but not be averse to mermans. It can get lonely at sea.
  • Applications in “writing” plz.

What is dorky about yourself?

See above.

7 thoughts on “Frequently Arksed Questions”

  1. And now… Frequently Aksed Questions answered in haiku!

    1. “obyn” on the end
    of favourite consonant
    rhyming is easy!

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