Romantic rights

On the way back from Masterton, while passing through Upper Hutt, I spied one of the Tui “Yeah right” billboards, It mentioned something about a 35-year-old woman. “Hey,” I thought. “I am a 35-year-old woman. Perhaps this is relevant to my interests.”

I didn’t want to have to go back to Upper Hutt to check out the billboard in full, but thankfully Tui have a Twitter account where all the latest billboard slogans are tooted. It was there I found this:

Single woman, 35 y/o, attractive, great personality, with no issues. Yeah Right.

As soon as I read it I felt tears spring to my eyes. “Aue,” I wailed. “I am single, 35 years old, not conventionally attractive, with a rubbish personality, and many many issues! How will I ever find a Tui-drinking partner in the 18-35 demographic?”

After spending the entire day in bed eating supermarket pick ‘n’ mix sweeties and watching season five of “Sex and the City” on my VCR, I slowly came to my senses.

I realised that pretty much all my friends who are “single” (worst concept ever) and over the age of 30 do have issues. But this is what makes them who they are. We can’t all be ironed out into flawless robots of perfection. Sometimes it’s nice to be a little bit messed up, to have that grit in your oyster.

Maybe there are Tui-drinkers who see that billboard and nod sagely, “Bro, that happened to me. She was a hot older woman, but she turned out to be a nutter.”

That Tui billboard exists in a different universe to me. I don’t have to worry about what Tui-drinkers in the 18-35 demographic think of me as a single 35-year-old woman, because I just don’t play that game.

Pass the beans

While watching the Big Brother daily show, I keep seeing an ad for a McDonald’s combo called the McChicken Hunger buster. It contains a McChicken, a cheeseburger, fries, a Coke and a sundae.

What’s interesting is there’s a graphic on part of the ad that says “MEAL FOR TWO”. The thing is, it’d be pretty complicated to share it between two people. I reckon “MEAL FOR TWO” really means that in a perfect world it would be split between two people, but in the real world (where people file law suits against fast food restaurants for not telling them that eating a burger a day would turn them into a fat arse), they are indeed describing it as a meal for two.

But then, there’s nothing stopping one person eating a meal for two.

Not rad

It’s funny when companies use instrumental versions of songs that normally have lyrics that are somewhat contradictory to the product being advertised.

There used to be this ad for Steinlager that used an instrumental version of Iggy Pop’s “Lust For Life”. This meant that they avoided the part where he sings, “no more beating my brains with liquor and drugs.”

And now the Bank of New Zealand have a series of ads that are accompanied by the beginning of “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve. While most people might just hear some uplifting orchestral music with a rock beat, I mentally fast forward to the part where Richard Ashcroft sings:

Cause it’s a bitter sweet symphony that’s life.
Try to make ends meet, you’re a slave to money then you die.

It’s probably just as well that I’m not a BNZ customer.

There’s also this ad for some of that scientific catfood stuff. The voiceover talks about how cats do stuff that results in a build up of toxins. Ok, cool, but cats lick their bums. They get right in there and give it a good cleaning. They go out and catch mice and lizards and birds and crickets and somehow we should be worried about these mysterious toxins.

Wanktropolis

There’s this big ass building thing called “Metropolis” being built in Auckland, the city where I reside. So Bayleys, the people in charge of Metropolis took out a full page ad in the 15 March Saturday edition of the New Zealand Herald saying how fabulous Metropolis is.

I read the ad and the first thing that occurred to me is what a wanky load of bollocks they were talking. Here is what pissed me off.

The ad first spouts about how the ancient Greeks built the Parthenon on a high place where it was a central part of cultured life and how great minds used to hang out there and do great things at the “hub of the civilised world”. Then it talks about Metropolis.

“Not surprisingly, when we sat around philosophising about the perfect site for New Zealand’s first five-star apartment hotel, we took a tablet or two from their book.

“For a start, our location also had to be in the very heart of the city. Ideally, it should be set amidst natural beauty, yet a stone’s throw from where all the action is.

“It should be a breath-taking focal point around which poets, artisans and luminaries would gather freely to debate the salient issues of the day. It should be accessible to great coffee (one area where we have it all over the ancient Greeks).”

That last paragraph, particularly, makes me almost violently ill because it is such a load of crap. So they really think the all these “poets, artisans and luminaries” are going to hang out in their little building and talk about the “salient issues of the day?”. And they’d be drinking their coffee, which is more than a sign of western civilisation, it’s a state of mind blah blah blah.

The ad also mentions that the site borders “stately Albert Park”. Stately? The last time I was in Albert Park it was full of people with tattoos, piercings, and lovely young men and women playing in the “stately” fountain. That’d raise property values…

I think the Metropolis ad is such a huge load of crap that it should be renamed “wanktropolis” to more accurately reflect what it really is.