No good advice

At a moment, a search on Google for “how to please your man” brings up one of my old webpages as the fifth result. It’s also showing up all over my web site stats and is the most visited page.

The page itself is sort of a parody of a typical relationship article in a women’s magazine, complete with pseudonymous case studies and experts who just happen have written a book on the subject.

So it seems that women are ending up at this page looking for advice, but even after reading the article, things are still troubled. And lately I’ve received two emails seeking more advice.

Mary Kate* writes:

I have been married four years. We have stopped having sex. It has been a year and a half. I have tried “you can stick it anywhere” and I’ve even ask him what he would like. All I get is “I’m tired.” So tell me something new to try, please. I’ve even tried the open marriage thing.

And Ashley writes:

My guy is 12 years younger than I with a very large pennis and he does not cum during sex. What can I do to please him or his he just not sexually attracted to me and yes I have tried oral sex, we are really great together and want to be together. He thinks that his job is to only please me not to be pleased. Tell me what can I do?

My advice-giving capabilities are just limited to the Dan Savage-ism, DTMFA, so I thought I’d throw this open to the interwebs.

So, guys, what advice should I offer Mary-Kate and Ashley?

* Some names have been changed.

How To Please Your Man

Attention: Have you come here via a google for “how to please your man”? You won’t find what you’re looking for here. This is not serious advice. It’s a parody. Also, dump your boyfriend. He’s no good for you.

How To Please Your Man

Wanna know that one sure-fire thing to say to your man to guarantee that you’ll be sensational in the sack? Well, keep reading and we’ll share the secret!

So you’ve scored yourself a hot new man but suddenly the sex ain’t so hot any more. In fact, he even seems a little bored when you’re doing the wild thing. Relax, you’re not alone.

“I used to think I was pretty hot in bed,” Jemma, 24 confesses*. “My man always seemed pleased but somehow something just didn’t seem right. I tried asking him if there was anything he wanted to do, but he just grunted and went outside for a smoke. I knew I was ok in bed, but I felt that something could have been better.”

But Jemma wasn’t the only one. “I bought a book that had 50 different totally hot sexual positions,” says Louisa, 27. “I started going through them one by one with my man. At first he was into it but one night I had one leg on the kitchen bench, the other on a beer crate and I was running an ice block over my breasts and I looked into his eyes and I could tell he just wasn’t into it. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong.”

Both Jemma and Louisa were both ready to just accept this as a normal part of their relationships but then they both discovered a new technique that’s been developed by sexocologist Rosie Dupree.

“It’s really simple,” writes Rosie in her best selling guide “Tell Him Where To Stick It” ($19.95, all leading bookstores). “All you need to do is tell your boyfriend, “Hey baby, you can stick it anywhere you like.” Really, that’s all you need to do.”

Jemma says she was at first sceptical that this would work. “I wasn’t sure. It seemed too simple. But them I realised that it was something I’d never said to him. So one night I decided to try it out. I whispered to him that he could stick it anywhere he wanted. His eyes lit up, it was amazing. At first it was a little uncomfortable, but I got used to it after a while. Afterwards he said it was the best sex we’d ever had.”

Louisa has another success story. “Yeah, I didn’t think it would work. I thought it was just another one of those stupid sex techniques, but I tried it anyway. It was a bit messy, but I couldn’t believe the change in my man. He loved it. Then a few weeks later he asked me to marry him! The wedding’s in August.”

What’s the secret of this wonder technique? Rosie explains, “often men will know what they want, but aren’t really sure how to ask for it. This technique empowers both the female and the male and gives them mutual pleasure. It also increases intimacy and my research shows that couples who practise this are less likely to break up.”

So, if your sex life is lacking that special something, why not give Rosie’s technique a try? Chances are it’ll spice things up and strengthen the spiritual, emotional and physical bonds between you and your man. And if it doesn’t, he’s probably gay and you should dump him.

* Some names have been changed.