Seven reasons

Because it is Saturday and there is nothing else to do.

People hassle Britney Spears and say she is dumb and a bad mother, but actually I think she is actually quite smart. She and I have a lot in common because I am actually only exactly three months older than her and I don’t think that is a coincidence because I believe in fate. Anyway, here is why Brtiney and I are soul sisters.

1. We were born *exactly* three months apart. Yes, that’s right Britney was born on 2 Demcember 1981 and I was born on 2 March 1982. This means we both grew up in the same cultural environment and had similar experiences as “chidren of the 80’s”. But I consider myself forunute that unlike Britney my birthday is not near Christmas lol

2. We both liked Mickey Mouse as children. Britney was Mouseketeer and on the Mickey Mouse Club. I had a Mickey Mouse soft toy that my uncle brought me back from Hong Kong and I still sleep with it on my bed to this day. I also have Mickey Mouse coffee mug that I have my coffee in!!!

3. We both went out with a guy called Justin when we were teens. Yes, this is true. When I was 15 I went out with this guy called Justin Watkins. Like with Britney and Justin Timberlak, this was also my first boyfriend, but sadly our relationship did not last and he was actually two-timing me with this girl called Carmel and so I dumped him.

4. We both like singing and dancing. I did jazz ballet and comtemporary tap lessons from age 6 to 13. I had to stop when I broke my foot in form two on a school camp bush walk 🙁 But Now I am thinking of starting again and doing salsa dancing because I heard that is good for weight loss. I also have been singing and I auditioned for the first NZ Idol but they told me I was too “theatrical”, whatever that means!!!

5. We are both proud mothers. I am a proud mother of Ceylla (4) and Jack (14 mths) and stepmum to Brydan (10). And Britney has one baby boy and another baby on the way and is stepmum to two gorgeous girls.

6. We both have had relationship issues. I broke up with Ceylla’s dad when I was pregnant with her, but then I met my current partner Simon (my soulmate) who is everything you could want in a man but hand’s off he’s mine lol. I met him on Trade Me and he did me the honour of marrying me this year and now Ceylla has a new dad and a little baby brother. Britney had trouble with Justin but now she has met her soulmate Kevin Ferderline.

7. We both like frappochino’s!!! Yes whenever I go to St Lukes or in town you will always see me with a frappachino just like Britney! I loooove strawberry’s and cream ones. Sooooo naughty but sooo good!!! And sometimes I walk down the street with my sunglasses on and I feel just like Britney.

So when people hassle her, well I just think they’re jealous and if you look at Britney you can see that she is really just an ordinary girl like you or me and is actually quite normal!. And she is my role model and heroin.

This was later published in Auckland Uni student mag Nexus. Some readers thought it was for real.

soulsister

Crossroads

I saw “Crossroads”, otherwise known as The Britney Movie. If you want to see a really fun movie with pop stars, pop music and everyone having a good time, see “A Hard Day’s Night” or “Spice World”. If you want to see a dreary, overly serious waste of time, see “Crossroads”.

But you’re probably not going to see it, so here’s a basic plot summary:

Britney hates her friends, father, wants to meet her mother and get laid. Britney travels from Georgia to California with her friends and a bad boy. Britney meets her mother, but her mother is a bitch. Britney bonds with her friends and father, sleeps with bad boy. Britney sings “Not a girl, not yet a woman”. Everything is ok.

It got me thinking. It could have been a better film. It could have been a much different film. Here are some ideas I had on ways “Crossroads” could have been improved:

  • The climax of “Crossroads” happened when Britney loses her virginity. This is also what happened in “American Pie.” So instead of making a teen movie about a bunch of guys who want to get laid, make it about Britney’s epic quest to have the burden of her virginity relieved.
  • Blues musician Robert Johnson was said to have met the devil at some crossroads at midnight, and sold his soul in exchange for being able to play the guitar like he was born to play. So Britney meets the devil at some crossroads and sells her soul and transforms from a mediocre Mickey Mouse Club performer to a million-selling pop singer.
  • Instead of contriving that “Not a girl, not yet a woman” was written in motel room with lyrics by Britney and music by the bad boy, instead be a bit more honest and showed Max Martin and Rami in Sweden working with Dido, emailing bits back and forth, then sticking it all together in ProTools. Yeah, that’d make a good movie.
  • Apply the “Crossroads” formula to make a film about Nsync. There could be a scene where the older woman who’s giving the boys a lift to California asks JC to read her some of his poetry and he reads out, “I get so excited when I’m watchin’, girl. I can’t wait to see you touch your body, girl.” But instead of writing some sappy music she’d nail him.
  • Instead of basing the movie around “Not a girl, not yet a woman”, make it about “I’m a slave 4 u.” Taking inspiration from the video, Britney and pals hang out in an abandoned building, get all sweaty and writhe about with a snake. It could also be an emotional journey where everyone learns a lesson and becomes stronger.
  • Or the next time Britney says “I want to star in a movie”, someone sits her down with every film Madonna made after “Desperately Seeking Susan” and makes her watch them over and over until the truth sinks in.