A holiday with the Feelers

Mastercard recently sent me a pamphlet trying to entice me to sign up to their Applause online ticketing website.

They obviously know that I fear the internet, so they were cleverly running a competition to “win the ultimate music experience” if I signed up. “Awesome,” I mentally exclaimed. “If I win I’ll get to go back in time and see the Pixies play in London in 1987!”

But sadly, Mastercard’s definition of “the ultimate music package” is somewhat different to mine – the prize package in question involves Aotearoa New Zealand’s lite rock legends The Feelers.

The pamphlet explained that “this fantastic package”, would fly me to Rarotonga, give me seven nights at a beach resort, and I’ll get to “sing in the chorus of the new single”, “appear in the music video” and “hang out with the band while they record”. And there will also be “photo and memorabilia signing opportunities”.

Now, I like fantastic things as well as ultimate things, and people who know me well know that I’m a sucker for a memorabilia signing opportunity, so obviously I was dead keen to enter this competition and win it.

But I wanted to be sure that I was making the right choice, so I pulled out a guided meditation tape, popped it into my Walkman and went into a elevated state where I could channel forward in time, experiencing how a Rarotongan holiday with the Feelers would be. While I was in that state, I also wrote myself a postcard every day.

Monday
I’ve just arrived in beautiful Rarotonga! My hotel room appears to be a sort of fale, but with a modern design aesthetic more akin to what Westerners call a “broom cupboard”. Yeah, it’s a bit small but I don’t care! I’m in a tropical paradise with the guys who brought us “Venus”, “As Good as it Gets” and their 2006 hit song “Weapons of War”.

Tuesday
Have enquired at hotel reception where the Feelers are. Have been told they are “busy”. What rock gods! I am filling in the time listening to the Feelers’ 1998 debut tape “Supersystem” on my Walkman and/or watching the American Forces Network. Sometimes I watch the American Forces Network on mute and listen to “Supersystem” – it adds great depth.

Wednesday
I ran into one of the Feelers at the poolside bar! He was buying a Fanta (my new favourite drink!!!). I said, “Hello! I won the prize! When do I get to sing on the chorus of youse guysez’s new single?” And he said, “Um, maybe come over tomorrow?” I am so excited! This will probably be the best day of my life ever.

Thursday
Turned up to the “studio”, which was actually the bathroom of the Feelers’ beachside suite. Keeping it real – I like that. None of the Feelers were there, but a man called Ron said, “Can you go ‘Ooh wah ooh’ a few times?” So I did, and I think I did really well because Ron said, “Yeah, thanks.” I noticed an empty Fanta can in the rubbish bin. I wonder which Feeler drank that?

Friday
Well, last night a tropical cyclone hit the island! All the beachside suites were destroyed, and I found one of the Feelers weeping over his guitar which had suffered severe water damage and scratching. “It’s OK, little Feeler,” I said soothingly. “There’s plenty of room for all of you in my fale. And I have Fanta.”

Saturday
Can this holiday get any more awesome? I’ve just spent the day with all of the Feelers in my fale, and we engaged in a bit of memorabilia signing, literally, if you know what I mean! As well as signing my tapes, they signed all my items of clothing, including my socks, and also every page in my passport!

Sunday
The Feelers have moved into a Red Cross emergency tent village, citing health concerns. Woteva. Nah, I’m OK. The contractually obligated “hanging with the band” session was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had. I just wish there wasn’t such a risk of malaria from the stagnant water in my room.

Monday
Back home at long last! I was delayed at Customs for five hours due to the the unique and exquisite Feelers autographs in my passport being considered “defacement of Crown property”. But I finally got it back and will now be listing it on Trade Me. Fortune will be mine! Best holiday ever!

In light of this, I have decided not to sign up for the Mastercard Applause service.

Spooky Coincidences

After the terrorist attacks on America, there’s been a whole bunch of people coming out with all sorts of spooky coincidences. Initially I was ready to dismiss it all as a load of bunk, but I did some digging and discovered these spooky coincidences of my own:

This is an actual verse that Nostradamus wrote over 500 years ago!

In the year two thousand and one
Four hijacked aeroplanes will fly
Two will crash into the World Trade Center
And the towers will fall down
One will crash into the Pentagon
And the last will crash into the land

Oh my God! It’s so accurate it’s spooky!

Also, try this out:

Type “nyc” in the Symbol font, which is a standard Windows font. This is what you get:

nyclc

Spooky, huh? It’s like, the V represents the two towers of the World Trade Center and they’re on an angle ‘cos they’ve fallen down. And the middle character is like an aeroplane and the X represents death. Um, yeah, something like that. But hey, isn’t that totally freaky?

Ok, this is totally freaky:

2001 = 2 + 0 + 0 + 1 = 3

G e o r g e W B u s h
7 5 15 18 7 5 23 2 21 19 8 = 130 = 1 + 3 + 0 = 4
World Trade Center
5 letters 5 letters 6 letters
5 + 5 + 6 = 16 = 1 + 6 = 7

3 + 4 + 7 = 14 = 1 + 4 = 5

Look at those numbers! They all add up, and you don’t even have to multiply them or add fractions or anything!

Some people might say that this is all just a coincidence. I used to be a non-believer, but I think there’s something seriously freaky going on here!

My Day in Tuscany

Everyone seems to be getting into these books about living in exotic locations abroad, so, in attempt to broaden my appeal and capture some of the lucrative “Espresso Guitar” market, I present to you a tale of my day in Tuscany.

I woke up this morning and sighed because even though I did yoga every day and only drank soya milk lattes, I was feeling somewhat empty inside. Then a friend of mine rang up and said “I need someone to housesit my villa in Tuscany this afternoon.”

I didn’t want to do it because I am a high-powered career woman and all I care about is myself, but it was my oldest and dearest friend asking, so I felt guilty enough to not be able to refuse.

I jumped in my 1999 Volkswagen Beetle and drove over to Tuscany. When I arrived I didn’t like it because there were no high rise apartment buildings and there was no decent coffee. I met an old man called Luigi who wasn’t very nice to me and said there were too many foreigners coming to Tuscany.

I walked down to the markets and bought some pasta and vegetables and then went back to the Tuscan villa and attempted to cook an authentic Tuscan lunch. All I managed to do was burn everything and I started crying Then a handsome young fellow called Mario came over and said “Oh pretty bella, stop crying, let me show you my grandfather’s olive orchard!”

So Mario showed me his grandfather’s olive orchard and then invited me back to his place where his grandmother Michelina was cooking a big Tuscan meal. I sat around with the Corleone family and we talked about how sweet life was.

The old man from earlier came over and hugged me and said that I was most welcome to stay with them and for me to call him Papa Luigi.

Then my friend showed up and thanked me for housesitting, so I bid farewell to my new friends, jumped in my car and drove back home.

When I got back to my highrise city apartment I realised that I even though I did not live on an olive orchard in Tuscany, I could still live the simple and peaceful Tuscan life because there would always be a little bit of Tuscany in my heart.