Film Fest Stuff

What would the fest be without the crazy audience members? You just don’t get people like this in multiplexes. Here’s my five favourites:

The Gesturing Guy
During the two “Rural Americana” documentaries, the gesturing guy would interact with the on-screen action. In “Dancing Outlaw” Jesco mentioned that he’d waved to his mother wearing handcuffs. The gesturing guy held up his hands together and waved. Later some people were waving at the camera. He waved back. In “Okie Noodling” Mr Gesture appeared to be excited by a really rockin’-looking dude and did that “hail Satan” sign.

The Girl With The Loud Laugh
The female who annoyed the hell out of me last year during “Nowhere to Hide” was back for the movie marathon this year. Also of mention was the woman who, during “Spike and Mike,” laughed at stuff that wasn’t funny, but had to force herself to laugh with the rest of the audience at the genuinely funny stuff.

The Moaning Guy
During “Rated X” there was a guy sitting a mere two seats down from me who let out small moans at various parts of the movie. He seemed to moan the most whenever there was porno action, but also moaned when the director called his mother for advice.

The Over-Prepared Girl
Before “The Experiment” started a girl sitting behind me rattled off a big long description of the set-up of the movie (mostly culled from the festival programme). After about five minutes of constant talking, the guy she was with said, “yeah, I deliberately don’t find out much about films before I see them.”

The Actual Crazy Guy
He wriggled around in his seat all the time. He wouldn’t sit front on, instead he faced towards the right, often looking at the audience. He frequently yawned loudly and stretched his arms out. He occasionally muttered to himself. Once he brought out a piece of electronic equipment that beeped and flashed a green light (and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a cell phone). He engaged in a hardcore nose-picking and snot-eating session. He slapped himself.

Hardcore film fest attendance is all-consuming. Sacrifices have to be made. Here’s five things that just don’t fit in with hard-core film fest lovin’:

Eating Well
There was one point where I was feeling a bit sick and I was trying to figure out what I’d had to eat that day. I realised all I’d had was three cups of coffee and a Kit Kat. Last year I seem to remember fitting in proper meals and eating well, but this year I was so hungry one time that I stopped off at McDonalds on the way home. Urgh, never again.

Doing a Job Skills Course
In a case of synchronicity almost on par with “Dark Side of the Rainbow,” the three weeks that bIFF took place on also happened to be the same three weeks that Work and Income NZ ordered me to get my unemployed arse on a three week job skills programme. I found it difficult to concentrate on anything that was happening (“Turn your weaknesses into your strengths!” “You are a marketable item!”) because I was usually more excited about the line-up of films I’d be seeing later in the day.

Editing a Film
A friend of mine volunteered to edit a low-budget film. As he’s working full time that means he has to spend all his spare time hunched over his computer trying to fit together pieces of what looks to be a really bad film. I fear for his mental health. I kept trying to lure him away with exciting descriptions of films in the festival, but he’d always reply, “nah, I can’t. I’m editing.”

Having a Social Life
I managed to see a few films with friends but most of the time I was on my own. It’s hard to convince people to come along and see three films in a row (“It’ll be fun!” “Uh, I don’t like films with subtitles.”) Fortunately every film I saw on my own had a bunch of other film geeks sitting on their own so I didn’t feel all that sad. I’m kinda pleased, though, that I managed to fit in a friend’s birthday dinner.

Giving Up Caffeine
About halfway through the fest I decided that I was consuming too many caffeinated beverages. I went cold turkey and suffered with the most unpleasant headache for two days. By the third day the headache had gone, but I found myself entice by the espresso machine at the Chinatown cinema. Yes, of all the potential sources of caffeine, it was the coffee machine at the fest that broke my resolution.

The Rules of Engagement

A Millennium Girl’s Guide to Love in the Nineties

♥ Make mysterious phone calls to him in the middle of the night. If necessary, disguise your voice and ask for Senor Rodriguez.

♥ Men are slack arses. Make things easy for them, and throw in a packet of chips.

♥ Tell yourself, “I am a bitch and men are scared of me.”

♥ Reveal everything. The more gruelling and painful, the better.

♥ Behave as if all the troubles of the world are crushing down upon you every second of the day.

♥ On a date… be sure to mention that this is the first Saturday in ages you haven’t spent at home, alone, listening to The Cure.

♥ On a date… laugh at him.

♥ On a date… aim to have told him that he is the chosen one and that you are destined to be together forever by the time you’re having coffee.

♥ If you feel calm and relaxed, think to yourself, “Are my nipples visible through this top?”

♥ Don’t put lipstick on when you’re jogging unless you want it smeared all over your face. But some guys probably go for that, so you might as well.

♥ Cover your body from head to toe with cheap deodorant body spray.

♥ Act like a man, including putting on a deep voice and adjusting your crotch. Guys dig this.

♥ Wear lots of old black clothes. Worn out Metallica t-shirts are tres sexy.

♥ Be like everyone else. If it works for them, it’ll work for you.

♥ Impress him with your smooth, graceful and sexy line dancing moves.

♥ To add a little spice, dress like a man. A sock down the jocks works a charm.

♥ Always be the first to talk. If necessary, gag him to prevent him from talking first.

♥ Men like long hair – especially under the arms and on your legs. It gives them something to play with.

♥ Look to transvestite hookers for ways of emphasising your femininity. Fish net stockings and pink latex miniskirts are hot.

♥ Try and see him as much as possible. Surprise him by breaking in to his house and appearing naked on his bed when he gets home.

♥ If he wants you to stop… he’ll have to get a restraining order!

♥ Tell him about every single bad thing that happens in your day. If necessary, make a list to help you remember.

♥ If a man asks you if you’re having a good time, simply smile and say, “Who the hell wants to know?”

♥ Call his answering machine and leave messages consisting of sighing and hanging up.

♥ If you want to get him to dance, get the DJ to play “I wanna sex you up”, grab him by the hand and drag him to the floor.

♥ If you have trouble meeting men, go to a men’s sauna or those toilets in the park after midnight. They are plenty there.

♥ To catch a man’s attention, stare at him, and do not look away until he comes over and asks what’s up your arse.

♥ If you don’t know what to say, just talk about whatever crap comes into your head.

♥ Alternatively, don’t say anything. Just make little sighing noises.

♥ KFC is a great place for a first date.

♥ Pay for every thing. If he insists on paying, hit him over the head, grab his wallet and run.

♥ Be the one to end a phone call. Hang up in mid-sentence, if necessary.

♥ In the middle of a phone call, stop and yell “Raoul! Stop that! Put it back!”

♥ If you’re at home on Friday, call him and tell him this. Then hang up.

♥ If your mother can’t wait for you to get married, take her along on the date, and get her to bring her glock.

♥ Show him how your bedroom walls are covered with your names in different combinations.

♥ Good topics to talk about are your favourite porno films and politics. See if you can combine the two topics.

♥ Keep mentioning that you are sought after by men named Carlo, Nathanial, Maximilian and Dave.

♥ Lend him your diary of the past year, with all previous suicide attempts bookmarked.

♥ Hire a private investigator to track down all the bitches he’s rooted. Have them killed.

♥ Break into his house in the middle of the night and say that it’s time that you had a serious talk.

♥ Make sure you earn more money than he does. If necessary, sell drugs to boost your income. Brag about it on a daily basis.

♥ End a date first. Say, “I know we’ve only got here and we haven’t even eaten, but I really must be going. I have lots of, uh, things to do.”

♥ Stop dating him if he sends you flowers. If necessary, pour lighter fluid on them, set fire to them and throw them through his window.

♥ At the end of the first date demand he kiss you goodnight. With tongue.

♥ If he doesn’t have sex with you after the first date he’s probably gay.

♥ If he asks if you are using contraception, be mysterious and don’t let him know.

♥ He must be the first one to say “I love you” but you may say such phrases as “I can’t live without you. If you ever left me I think I’d probably kill myself.” or “Whenever I look at you, I can see the sweet love of Jesus within your eyes.”

♥ Tell everyone you know about him. Put up a web page about him.

♥ If he’s not giving you the attention to want, say “Why the hell are you ignoring me, bitch?”

♥ Don’t do anything in case he surprises you and wants to ask you out. If he doesn’t, go over to his house and say “I’m all alone and it’s all your fault.”

♥ If you’re going after a married man, tell his wife.

♥ If he comes to pick you up for a date, don’t answer the door. Instead yell out “I can’t be bothered getting up. The door’s unlocked and stuff.”

♥ If he asks you out, say “yes” immediately. Even mid-sentence. If it turns out he wasn’t asking you out, pretend you were singing a song that goes “Yes yes yes”.