Mew

I saw “The Good Girl” at the movies. Right in the row in front of me was what I think was a grandmother and some of her grandchildren. Ok, so looking after the grandkids during the school holidays is cool, but when you take a bunch of little kids to see a movie (and these were little kids – I reckon the youngest would have been about 4, the oldest 8), pick a kids movie. Pick one with a G rating. Pick a fun cartoon or a sassy kids adventure movie. Don’t take your grandkids to a dark, adult comedy. Maybe the gran was thinking that a movie called “The Good Girl” would be about a well-behaved female child. Ha!

The kids spent most of the movie twisting in their seats, bored. The dark adult humour of the film didn’t get anywhere near them. The grandmother spent most of the movie with her neck turned towards the kids, getting them to sit down, handing them popcorn and generally not watching the movie.

But the best bit came during the scene in the movie when Tim Blake Nelson’s character comes out of his house with just a quilt wrapped around him. His dog bites the quilt and pulls it away and there’s a brief glimpse of his donger. As soon as the penis appeared, the grandmother quickly reached over and put her hand over the eyes of the kid in the seat next to her. She loudly whispered to the others “don’t look! Don’t look!”, but by then the next scene had come and the penis was but a funny memory.

John C. Riley was in it. Dylzno has a theory that all movies John C. Riley is in are good. (Ditto for Edward Norton.) I’d go for a lower hit rate, but this was one was good. This, along with “Chicago” and “The Hours” rounds out his lousy-husband trilogy. In this one he was a goofy, pot-smoking husband.

I should also mention Jake Gyllenhaal. I was totally in love with him after seeing “Donny Darko”, but I’m out of love with him after “The Good Girl”. His character is excellent. He’s what a cinematic troubled, rebellious loner teen would be like in real life. i.e. a pretentious dickhead. He’s endlessly cute on the outside, but once Jennifer Aniston’s character (and the audience) get to know him, the crazy, mixed-up ugliness is becomes apparent. And we welcome the real world, where the heroine picks the pot-smoking husband over the cute badboy.

Oh, I just gave away the ending. Or did I?

Because a film isn’t about plot, it’s about how the plot is executed.

Oh yes, on the bus there’s now a magazine for people to read on the bus. It is called “Ticket”. I felt alienated soon after I opened it and read the the magazine was “to read as you get yourself to work”. Not school, not the shops, not uni, not the movies, not a sports even, no, just work. “Ticket” is really boring. It’s filled with boring articles on boring subjects. Boring reviews of things that describe it, but barely express an opinion on it. An unfunny humour column (but isn’t describing something as being funny almost a guarantee that it won’t be?), and that old, old trick of having an article about a subject that is later advertised in the magazine. The editorial urges readers to “stop staring out the window” and read the magazine, but quite frankly, looking out the window is way more interesting than reading boring articles.

Yeah, because if you want something to read on the bus, it’s ok for it to be light and disposable, but make it interesting. I mean, you wouldn’t want to fall asleep and miss your stop.

How To Please Your Man

Attention: Have you come here via a google for “how to please your man”? You won’t find what you’re looking for here. This is not serious advice. It’s a parody. Also, dump your boyfriend. He’s no good for you.

How To Please Your Man

Wanna know that one sure-fire thing to say to your man to guarantee that you’ll be sensational in the sack? Well, keep reading and we’ll share the secret!

So you’ve scored yourself a hot new man but suddenly the sex ain’t so hot any more. In fact, he even seems a little bored when you’re doing the wild thing. Relax, you’re not alone.

“I used to think I was pretty hot in bed,” Jemma, 24 confesses*. “My man always seemed pleased but somehow something just didn’t seem right. I tried asking him if there was anything he wanted to do, but he just grunted and went outside for a smoke. I knew I was ok in bed, but I felt that something could have been better.”

But Jemma wasn’t the only one. “I bought a book that had 50 different totally hot sexual positions,” says Louisa, 27. “I started going through them one by one with my man. At first he was into it but one night I had one leg on the kitchen bench, the other on a beer crate and I was running an ice block over my breasts and I looked into his eyes and I could tell he just wasn’t into it. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong.”

Both Jemma and Louisa were both ready to just accept this as a normal part of their relationships but then they both discovered a new technique that’s been developed by sexocologist Rosie Dupree.

“It’s really simple,” writes Rosie in her best selling guide “Tell Him Where To Stick It” ($19.95, all leading bookstores). “All you need to do is tell your boyfriend, “Hey baby, you can stick it anywhere you like.” Really, that’s all you need to do.”

Jemma says she was at first sceptical that this would work. “I wasn’t sure. It seemed too simple. But them I realised that it was something I’d never said to him. So one night I decided to try it out. I whispered to him that he could stick it anywhere he wanted. His eyes lit up, it was amazing. At first it was a little uncomfortable, but I got used to it after a while. Afterwards he said it was the best sex we’d ever had.”

Louisa has another success story. “Yeah, I didn’t think it would work. I thought it was just another one of those stupid sex techniques, but I tried it anyway. It was a bit messy, but I couldn’t believe the change in my man. He loved it. Then a few weeks later he asked me to marry him! The wedding’s in August.”

What’s the secret of this wonder technique? Rosie explains, “often men will know what they want, but aren’t really sure how to ask for it. This technique empowers both the female and the male and gives them mutual pleasure. It also increases intimacy and my research shows that couples who practise this are less likely to break up.”

So, if your sex life is lacking that special something, why not give Rosie’s technique a try? Chances are it’ll spice things up and strengthen the spiritual, emotional and physical bonds between you and your man. And if it doesn’t, he’s probably gay and you should dump him.

* Some names have been changed.

Getting Reviewed

Through some freak of nature, my web site ended by being reviewed in the November 1997 issue of “NetGuide” magazine.

“Robyn’s Web creation efforts began in 1996 with some bad advice from her father. The site is much better today, but you can still check out the early efforts on the site. The “bits” section is particularly interesting, describing Robyn’s experiences on IRC and her first non-enthusiastic comment on her site.”

It’s an ok review, although it seems like all that was looked at was the Bits page and nothing else.

But what disturbs me is the context in which the review is presented. It shares page 89 with reviews of six other sites. The page heading describes them as “eight of the nation’s best personal home pages”. Apart from the fact that there are only seven, it should also be noted of the six others, all but one are total crap.

Ugly animated GIFs, Java that won’t go away, badly designed pages about complete shite. Stuff that makes the BadWickedEvil page seem normal. And in the middle is my page, probably seeming just as retarded in the company.

The rest of the magazine was pretty good. Interesting articles and reviews, and really good layout.

But as cool as it is to be reviewed (and it is cool), it’s kind of disappointing to be classified with dicks.

Girlie Mags

One thing that I have learned is that it is important for the modern girl of the ’90s to read women’s magazines with slight scepticism. Or, as Flavor Flav so succinctly put it, “don’t believe the hype”.*

So there I was reading the June 1997 edition of New Zealand Cleo magazine. The editorial was about their recently redesigned layout and about the typical Cleo reader. She is described as “young, intelligent and informed… she certainly doesn’t want to be taken as a fool.”

But there, in dark blue and white, as part of an article called “Shape Up” was this: “I have a friend, a personal trainer, she’s 50kg and doesn’t have a gram of fat on her”.

Excuse me! If that woman didn’t have a gram of fat on her, she’d be nearing death. I don’t know if that sentence was meant to be metaphorical, but it is sending out an extremely screwed up message. Not even those body builders who only eat egg whites have no body fat.

Then there was a page dedicated to helping the reader look like Gwyneth Paltrow. The best bit of that article was the recommended lipstick having “available August” in small print. That’s two whole months I will have to wait before I can perfect my Gwyneth look! This is terrible!

Another amusing article is one with ten “sure-fire seduction strategies”. My favourite is the one where you ring up the guy, talk about Friends then say “By the way I’m naked oh there’s my call waiting gotta go”. I’d like to think that if I tried that on anyone he would laugh his arse off.

And then there’s the fashion spread with the male model with the disturbingly large breasts…

So why do I buy it and read it? Because it’s highly entertaining.

* That sentence simultaneously irritates me and pleases me.