The Nineties

Back in 1990 I remember reading an interview with a popular youth television presenter who has since disappeared off the face of the earth. He had recently had a baby with his girlfriend. The interviewer asked him about people who were concerned that he was having kids out of wedlock. His reaction was something like, “Hey man, this is the nineties. If people can’t handle it, it’s their problem.”

Ten years later people are still doing the “it’s the nineties, man” thing.

I recently read an article about a woman who was awarded a settlement after being sexually harassed at work. She was quoted as saying she as shocked at the level of harassment she had received from her co-workers because it was the nineties.

It’s like on 1 January 1990 suddenly people’s attitudes changed. That after consuming copious amounts of alcohol instead of waking up with a hangover people woke up with enlightenment.

“Oh wow, it’s the nineties! I will welcome my pothead dole-bludging son and his de facto wife and kids back into my family with open arms and unconditional love!”

It didn’t happen. All the wankers out there are still wankers. If they want to be dicks, the decade isn’t going to stop them.

But hope is on its way. The next decade has no easy way of describing it. Whilst saying “it’s the nineties” sounds kind of cool, saying “Get with it man, it’s the zeroes,” sounds dumb. And it’s hard to say “Lighten up, it’s the new millennium!” without sounding like a new-age flake.

The new year, the new decade, the new century, and yes, the new millennium will come and be celebrated, but it’s not going to change people’s lives. It takes more than a sunset and a sunrise to do that.

The Rules of Engagement

A Millennium Girl’s Guide to Love in the Nineties

♥ Make mysterious phone calls to him in the middle of the night. If necessary, disguise your voice and ask for Senor Rodriguez.

♥ Men are slack arses. Make things easy for them, and throw in a packet of chips.

♥ Tell yourself, “I am a bitch and men are scared of me.”

♥ Reveal everything. The more gruelling and painful, the better.

♥ Behave as if all the troubles of the world are crushing down upon you every second of the day.

♥ On a date… be sure to mention that this is the first Saturday in ages you haven’t spent at home, alone, listening to The Cure.

♥ On a date… laugh at him.

♥ On a date… aim to have told him that he is the chosen one and that you are destined to be together forever by the time you’re having coffee.

♥ If you feel calm and relaxed, think to yourself, “Are my nipples visible through this top?”

♥ Don’t put lipstick on when you’re jogging unless you want it smeared all over your face. But some guys probably go for that, so you might as well.

♥ Cover your body from head to toe with cheap deodorant body spray.

♥ Act like a man, including putting on a deep voice and adjusting your crotch. Guys dig this.

♥ Wear lots of old black clothes. Worn out Metallica t-shirts are tres sexy.

♥ Be like everyone else. If it works for them, it’ll work for you.

♥ Impress him with your smooth, graceful and sexy line dancing moves.

♥ To add a little spice, dress like a man. A sock down the jocks works a charm.

♥ Always be the first to talk. If necessary, gag him to prevent him from talking first.

♥ Men like long hair – especially under the arms and on your legs. It gives them something to play with.

♥ Look to transvestite hookers for ways of emphasising your femininity. Fish net stockings and pink latex miniskirts are hot.

♥ Try and see him as much as possible. Surprise him by breaking in to his house and appearing naked on his bed when he gets home.

♥ If he wants you to stop… he’ll have to get a restraining order!

♥ Tell him about every single bad thing that happens in your day. If necessary, make a list to help you remember.

♥ If a man asks you if you’re having a good time, simply smile and say, “Who the hell wants to know?”

♥ Call his answering machine and leave messages consisting of sighing and hanging up.

♥ If you want to get him to dance, get the DJ to play “I wanna sex you up”, grab him by the hand and drag him to the floor.

♥ If you have trouble meeting men, go to a men’s sauna or those toilets in the park after midnight. They are plenty there.

♥ To catch a man’s attention, stare at him, and do not look away until he comes over and asks what’s up your arse.

♥ If you don’t know what to say, just talk about whatever crap comes into your head.

♥ Alternatively, don’t say anything. Just make little sighing noises.

♥ KFC is a great place for a first date.

♥ Pay for every thing. If he insists on paying, hit him over the head, grab his wallet and run.

♥ Be the one to end a phone call. Hang up in mid-sentence, if necessary.

♥ In the middle of a phone call, stop and yell “Raoul! Stop that! Put it back!”

♥ If you’re at home on Friday, call him and tell him this. Then hang up.

♥ If your mother can’t wait for you to get married, take her along on the date, and get her to bring her glock.

♥ Show him how your bedroom walls are covered with your names in different combinations.

♥ Good topics to talk about are your favourite porno films and politics. See if you can combine the two topics.

♥ Keep mentioning that you are sought after by men named Carlo, Nathanial, Maximilian and Dave.

♥ Lend him your diary of the past year, with all previous suicide attempts bookmarked.

♥ Hire a private investigator to track down all the bitches he’s rooted. Have them killed.

♥ Break into his house in the middle of the night and say that it’s time that you had a serious talk.

♥ Make sure you earn more money than he does. If necessary, sell drugs to boost your income. Brag about it on a daily basis.

♥ End a date first. Say, “I know we’ve only got here and we haven’t even eaten, but I really must be going. I have lots of, uh, things to do.”

♥ Stop dating him if he sends you flowers. If necessary, pour lighter fluid on them, set fire to them and throw them through his window.

♥ At the end of the first date demand he kiss you goodnight. With tongue.

♥ If he doesn’t have sex with you after the first date he’s probably gay.

♥ If he asks if you are using contraception, be mysterious and don’t let him know.

♥ He must be the first one to say “I love you” but you may say such phrases as “I can’t live without you. If you ever left me I think I’d probably kill myself.” or “Whenever I look at you, I can see the sweet love of Jesus within your eyes.”

♥ Tell everyone you know about him. Put up a web page about him.

♥ If he’s not giving you the attention to want, say “Why the hell are you ignoring me, bitch?”

♥ Don’t do anything in case he surprises you and wants to ask you out. If he doesn’t, go over to his house and say “I’m all alone and it’s all your fault.”

♥ If you’re going after a married man, tell his wife.

♥ If he comes to pick you up for a date, don’t answer the door. Instead yell out “I can’t be bothered getting up. The door’s unlocked and stuff.”

♥ If he asks you out, say “yes” immediately. Even mid-sentence. If it turns out he wasn’t asking you out, pretend you were singing a song that goes “Yes yes yes”.