In which robYn channels her inner kanYe.

Famous hip hop star and slatted-sunglasses-wearer Kanye West has a blog where he notoriously writes in all-caps and in a particular rambling style. As Mr West is the dopeness, I have decided to now write in this style in order to make my “blog” more attractive to the lucrative 18 to 35 youth demographic.

THERE HAVE BEEN MANY ACCUSATIONS MADE AGAINST ME BY THE MEDIA AND BY HATERS… PEOPLE WHO LIVE TO PUT OTHERS DOWN. MY INTERNET WAS HACKED. THEY HACKED MY TWITTER AND MY FACEBOOK AND MY GMAIL AND EVEN THAT GEOCITIES ACCOUNT I HADN’T USED SINCE 1996. BECAUSE OF THIS THE MEDIA HAVE BEEN SAYING THINGS ABOUT ME THAT AREN’T TRUE. THINGS LIKE… THAT I WILL BE MAKING A BISEXUAL PORNOGRAPHIC VIEWMASTER REEL… THAT I WAS DRUNK WHEN I WENT TO THE COMMUNITY PANEL MEETING AND MADE A JOKE ABOUT BEING MOLESTED BY A CATHOLIC PRIEST THAT NO ONE LAUGHED AT… THAT I HAVE ISSUES WITH MONOGAMY… THAT THE SHOES I DESIGNED FOR LOUIS VUITTON ARE JUST A PAIR OF CHUCKS THAT I PAINTED RED WITH LEFTOVER CHRISTMAS SPRAY. ACTUALLY ONE OF THOSE THINGS IS TRUE BUT I WILL NOT REVEAL WHICH TO THE HATERS. NEEDLESS TO SAY THAT THOSE WHO ARE MY FRIENDS AND WHO KNOW ME.. WILL KNOW. PERHAPS I WILL NEVER MAKE ANOTHER RAP ALBUM AGAIN.. WHO CAN SAY? I WAS THINKING ABOUT ALL THESE THINGS TODAY AS I TRAVELLED OUT TO THE SUBURB OF MIRAMAR… ON A BUS. I GOT OFF THE BUS AND WALKED ALONG THE STREETS AND THOUGHT ABOUT ODB’S LEGACY AND TAKASHI MURAKAMI’S OEUVRE AND HOW FAMOUS I AM. I TURNED A CORNER… IT WAS DOPENESS. THERE WAS THE WETA CAVE… IT WAS NOT DOPENESS AS IT WAS A COLLECTION OF MINIATURES THAT ARE ALL BROWN AND GREY AND NOT PINK OR LIME GREEN OR RED. I HAVE ONE MESSAGE TO THE SUBURB OF MIRAMAR.. YOUR SAMENESS IS MY INSPIRATION.. AND I WILL PROVE YOU WRONG. I CAME BACK TO THE CITY AND TOOK A MOMENT TO GIVE THOUGHT TO AALIYAH, LISA LEFT-EYE AND SIR EDMUND HILLARY.. THREE ANGELS WHO WERE TAKEN BEFORE THEIR TIME. ALL THE MEDIA WHO SAY THINGS ABOUT THEM.. YOU ARE NOT IN MY THOUGHTS.. ONLY WHEN I THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH I DO NOT LISTEN TO WHAT YOU SAY. FROM NOW ON I WILL BE KNOWN AS ROBYN O’WATKINS MIRAMAR2000… THIS IS NOT MY CHOICE. FIFTY DOLLARS BILLS NEVER GET PAID. GOLDEN.

How To Please Your Man

Attention: Have you come here via a google for “how to please your man”? You won’t find what you’re looking for here. This is not serious advice. It’s a parody. Also, dump your boyfriend. He’s no good for you.

How To Please Your Man

Wanna know that one sure-fire thing to say to your man to guarantee that you’ll be sensational in the sack? Well, keep reading and we’ll share the secret!

So you’ve scored yourself a hot new man but suddenly the sex ain’t so hot any more. In fact, he even seems a little bored when you’re doing the wild thing. Relax, you’re not alone.

“I used to think I was pretty hot in bed,” Jemma, 24 confesses*. “My man always seemed pleased but somehow something just didn’t seem right. I tried asking him if there was anything he wanted to do, but he just grunted and went outside for a smoke. I knew I was ok in bed, but I felt that something could have been better.”

But Jemma wasn’t the only one. “I bought a book that had 50 different totally hot sexual positions,” says Louisa, 27. “I started going through them one by one with my man. At first he was into it but one night I had one leg on the kitchen bench, the other on a beer crate and I was running an ice block over my breasts and I looked into his eyes and I could tell he just wasn’t into it. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong.”

Both Jemma and Louisa were both ready to just accept this as a normal part of their relationships but then they both discovered a new technique that’s been developed by sexocologist Rosie Dupree.

“It’s really simple,” writes Rosie in her best selling guide “Tell Him Where To Stick It” ($19.95, all leading bookstores). “All you need to do is tell your boyfriend, “Hey baby, you can stick it anywhere you like.” Really, that’s all you need to do.”

Jemma says she was at first sceptical that this would work. “I wasn’t sure. It seemed too simple. But them I realised that it was something I’d never said to him. So one night I decided to try it out. I whispered to him that he could stick it anywhere he wanted. His eyes lit up, it was amazing. At first it was a little uncomfortable, but I got used to it after a while. Afterwards he said it was the best sex we’d ever had.”

Louisa has another success story. “Yeah, I didn’t think it would work. I thought it was just another one of those stupid sex techniques, but I tried it anyway. It was a bit messy, but I couldn’t believe the change in my man. He loved it. Then a few weeks later he asked me to marry him! The wedding’s in August.”

What’s the secret of this wonder technique? Rosie explains, “often men will know what they want, but aren’t really sure how to ask for it. This technique empowers both the female and the male and gives them mutual pleasure. It also increases intimacy and my research shows that couples who practise this are less likely to break up.”

So, if your sex life is lacking that special something, why not give Rosie’s technique a try? Chances are it’ll spice things up and strengthen the spiritual, emotional and physical bonds between you and your man. And if it doesn’t, he’s probably gay and you should dump him.

* Some names have been changed.

Spooky Coincidences

After the terrorist attacks on America, there’s been a whole bunch of people coming out with all sorts of spooky coincidences. Initially I was ready to dismiss it all as a load of bunk, but I did some digging and discovered these spooky coincidences of my own:

This is an actual verse that Nostradamus wrote over 500 years ago!

In the year two thousand and one
Four hijacked aeroplanes will fly
Two will crash into the World Trade Center
And the towers will fall down
One will crash into the Pentagon
And the last will crash into the land

Oh my God! It’s so accurate it’s spooky!

Also, try this out:

Type “nyc” in the Symbol font, which is a standard Windows font. This is what you get:

nyclc

Spooky, huh? It’s like, the V represents the two towers of the World Trade Center and they’re on an angle ‘cos they’ve fallen down. And the middle character is like an aeroplane and the X represents death. Um, yeah, something like that. But hey, isn’t that totally freaky?

Ok, this is totally freaky:

2001 = 2 + 0 + 0 + 1 = 3

G e o r g e W B u s h
7 5 15 18 7 5 23 2 21 19 8 = 130 = 1 + 3 + 0 = 4
World Trade Center
5 letters 5 letters 6 letters
5 + 5 + 6 = 16 = 1 + 6 = 7

3 + 4 + 7 = 14 = 1 + 4 = 5

Look at those numbers! They all add up, and you don’t even have to multiply them or add fractions or anything!

Some people might say that this is all just a coincidence. I used to be a non-believer, but I think there’s something seriously freaky going on here!