Recent demands

Every now and then I like to pretend I am an ’80s television programme and delve into the mailbag (aka the search-term referer logs) to answer some viewer correspondence.

Robyn Gallagher real name

Princess Roshonda Boutros Meow-Meow Taaniqua O’Gallagher. Which is also my security answer for online banking.

What can I say that can be expressed like the sunshine?

Like warm banana peels playfully slapping my shoulders.
Like fluorescent tubes from a happy office.
Like meteorological baguettes, feeding me with brightness.
Like a thousand yellow highlighter pens.
This is how you make me feel.

Wedding pens

Let me tell you one thing – you stick with a pencil. Because in a couple of years’ time, you’ll be back on my doorstep with a suitcase under one arm and a child under the other saying, “Mother, I made a terrible mistake. Oscar was not right for me!” Ink is not good enough for that rogue. Sign your name with a light pencil and keep an eraser in your pocket at all times.

Transvestite and Auckland and smoking and New Zealand

“Well, hello. You must be new around here. We don’t get many new faces these days.”

“I’m actually just visiting. I’m from Tasmania.”

“Well, you’re in the big smoke now, darling. And speaking of smoke – if you’re going to light up, you’d better do it out on the balcony.”

“But I thought you could smoke inside here. It said on the website…”

“Oh, that blasted website. Do you know, that has caused us nothing but trouble. Ralph put it up back in the ’90s but he forgot the password for it years ago. It has old prices, old photos and the claim that we are “Australasia’s only transvestite cigar bar.” Nothing but trouble.”

“But I came all the way here.”

“Sorry, darl. Rules are rules. Oh, look. You’ve got a nice face and you’re wearing those control-top tights well. We have a smoking room out the back for staff breaks. Just don’t tell the Ministry of Health!”

“Thank you. You’ve made me a very happy man.”

“I’ll show you the way.”

Team scarf

Team Edward!!!!

Sleep deprivation effects

Team Jacob!!!!!

Rap song on the dole

Every day I go to the office on WINZ
and this is where my fun begins.
I get the dole and buy some booze
and get into a drunken mood.

Don’t want no job. I’m on the dole.
I ain’t got no self-control.
I’m a figment of your imagination,
oh listener of a talkback station.

Rap, rap, rappy, rap-rapp.
Rap-rap, rappy, rappy.
Rappy, rappy, rap-rapp.
Word.

How did Hamilton Lake get its name?

There was a lake and it was in Hamilton and they looked at it and they said “there is a lake Hamilton so we shall call it Hamilton Lake”. And they did and it was good.

Turning 33 poem

Now you are 33: a poem

Many a notorious man or woman
has reached the age of 33:
Chubby funnymen John Belushi and Chris Farley;
wife of JKF Jr, Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy;
Richard II (blame his cousin Henry);
Evas Braun, Peron and Cassidy;
writer William S Burroughs Jr and rapper Pimp C;
soulman Sam Cooke; conceptual artist Leigh Bowery;
Jesus and Bon Scott (of AC/DC);
and writress Robin Hyde.
All these people were 33.
33 when they died.

Are you interesting?

No, not really.

Frequently Arksed Questions

People get to my website by googling questions they need answers for. As my blog currently can’t provide these answers, I have taken the liberty of answering some of the more popular ones.

What rhymes with Robyn?

Dave Dobbyn.

What to say as weeding MC?

Something about a ho.

What does Buffalo Stance mean?

Let’s start with Buffalo. The Face magazine described it as…

a look an attitude, a gang; a creative collection of photographers, designers, hair stylists, pop stars and models – Marc and James Lebon, Jamie Morgan, Nick and Barry Kamen, Judy Blame, Neneh Cherry, and Mitzi Lorenz, among others – working around the creative hub of superstylist Ray Petri.

Right, so Neneh Cherry’s boyfriend was Cameron McVey, and he was in a pop duo called Morgan-McVey with the above mentioned Jamie Morgan. They had a Stock-Atkin-Waterman produced single called “Looking Good Diving”.

It was released with a b-side remix called “Looking Good Diving with the Wild Bunch”. This involved the instrumental track from the song remixed by the Wild Bunch with Cameron’s girlfriend rapping over the top about the Buffalo scene, pimp, prostitutes, gigolos and how she ain’t going for that flashy shit and was in it for the long haul.

When Neneh Cherry came to release her solo album a year or so later, she rerecorded the song as “Buffalo Stance”, and gave it a bit more attitude. Uh. And a motherfucking breakbeat. Yeah. DJ. Tell it like it is.

What does it mean when they say a participle dangles?

If you see that your friends participle is dangling, you should discretely insert a subject or some punctuation to help clarify things.

What happened to Peter Urlich?

FluFFFy1: So, Peter Urlich of Th’ Dudes and Nice ‘n’ Urlich and TrueBliss fame.
Watkins2000: Who?
FluFFFy1: The lead singer of late ’80s pop/funk act B Cup?
Watkins2000: Oh, that guy.
FluFFFy1: So what’s he up to these days?
Watkins2000: Dunno. He doesn’t do breakfast on George FM any more.
FluFFFy1: He went through that swing singing phase last year. That was pretty choice.
Watkins2000: I liked that. I mean, I *really* like that. He kept it real.
FluFFFy1: Yeah, kia kaha, Peter Urlich.
Watkins2000: Kia kaha.

What to do you to paper mache if it starts to go mouldy?

Ok, first you need to tell it to stop going mouldy. If that doesn’t work you could try yelling at it or hitting it. If that still doesn’t work, tell it you are sorry and you love it and buy it a chocolate bar such as Cadbury Fruit and Nut. That should do the trick. If you have any further problems, put it in the hot water cupboard for a few days.

How many people went to beach last year?

OMG, there were so many people there I almost lost count! Muffy was there and Chad was there and Suzie was there and all the kids from the Bellevue came down and brought matching towels. And we all started to do the starfish dance. It’s so easy to do! Shake it like a starfish! There was soda pop and hotdogs and someone even brought cookies! You should have been there. It was ace! Twelve in total.

How do you pronounce Ngunguru?

En-gun-guru.

Why do New Caledonia people speak French?

They originally learned it at high school and then went on an AFS exchange to Montreal when they were 17 and came home wearing a beret and swearing at their mum in French. Then when they were working in London on their OE, they went over to Paris for a few weeks and had such a good time that when they came back to New Caledonia they decided they’d just keep speaking French and it’s pretty much stuck ever since.

Who is the MC who use a straw to sing?

I don’t know, but he must really suck.

Why is Robyn wearing my shoes and why is Facebook not working?

Ok, first of all? They’re not your shoes. I mean, I know I took them from your bedroom but that was only because you spilt that jug full of margaritas in my shoes and I couldn’t go to work with wet shoes.

And Facebook is working. It’s just blocked for you because the internet doesn’t work for people who go around spilling drinks in people’s shoes.

Why’s the shed locked?

Look, if you want your combine harvester back, you should just ask. I’ll go and get it for you. I only locked the shed to keep it secure. I wasn’t trying to steal it or anything. What would I want with a combine harvester, any way. Oh, by the way, if you see someone selling a combine harvester on Trade Me and it looks a bit like yours, it’s not. It’s just a coincidence and the auction will probably get taken down soon anyway.

How does a dance card work?

  1. Go to a retailer and load a cash value onto your dance card (minimum $10; 25c loading fee).
  2. Go to dance, remembering to swipe your dance card at the door.
  3. Dance.
  4. When dance is complete, swipe your dance card on a card reader and dance amount will be deducted.
  5. Please note: GST not included.
  6. Also note: R&B slowjam incurs 2.5% service charge.
  7. I like it when your butt goes ba-donk-a-donk-donk.

Will the train leave at 5 on Fridays?

No, you’ll need to get there 10 to 15 minutes before or after. Also remember there are Super Saver Saturdays starting next month, so maybe you can postpone.

How come chimpanzees act like little kids?

Because apparently the chimpanzees don’t have the basic human right which says in law that they are allowed to use a firm smack as part of corrective punishment in good parenting, so they grow up undisciplined and watching trash television such as “Baywatch” and “The Dukes of Hazzard” and “The Shogun Miniseries” and so they act like little kids and don’t even go to university and just sit around all day eating carrots and throwing straw at each other. You can’t even dress them up as aristocrats any more and make them have tea parties because apparently it’s “politically incorrect” and “cruel” and “impairs their development”. And they call this progress.

What are the events that happended in the 10 years before I was born in 1989?

1979 – Mr Ed horse dies 🙁
1980 – Reagan’s president elect. Good-time dancin’ stopped.
1981 – Couples For Christ is established in the Philippines.
1982 – Little Prince William is born! A blonde manchild who one day will become king! Maybe I will be his queen!!!!!
1983 – The McNugget was born.
1984 – Muldoon got on the nyak and was like “YO WE IZ GOING 2 DA POLLZ”. Lost.
1985 – Bob Geldof runs a charity fund-raiser fair.
1986 – Aw shit – Space Shuttle Challenger blew up and everyone on it died 🙁
1987 – Stock market crashes; Prozac introduced; modern life declared rubbish.
1988 – Expo ’88 showcased the best of the world in Brisbane, QLD.

Does weed make you infertile?

Think about it, man. The good Lord put the herb on earth for man to smoke. And man and woman have been toking on the sweet sweet mary jane for centuries. And the man and the woman, they have babies. So does the weed make you infertile, the answer is no, brotherman. No, it ain’t.

What do you need to be a cruise ship captain?

  • A motivated self-starter with people skills.
  • Degree in cruise ship captaining from Southland Polytech.
  • One of those captain hats.
  • Teenage daughter who has cocaine problem.
  • Private cabin for captaining the sexy divorcees who come aboard.
  • Comedy eyepatch and plastic wooden leg kit.
  • Must have respect for colourful Irish underclasses singing gaily in steerage.
  • A boat.
  • Ye not be no landlubber.
  • Must like: buffet dining; shuffleboard; PINA COLADAS!!!!!
  • Must also like mermaids but not be averse to mermans. It can get lonely at sea.
  • Applications in “writing” plz.

What is dorky about yourself?

See above.

Referer Madness: 2007 special

Ok, let’s have some more referer madness. These are my favourite terms from 2007 that people have searched for that have somehow lead them to my website.

i stopped using contraception and didn’t tell him
Oh, you are in so much trouble now! But don’t worry. I won’t tell him either. It’s just our little secret.

dirty little whare porno
Jazmyn is at home in her little whare – house. There’s a knock at the door. It’s a plumber – a hot one. “Oh, you’ll have to excuse the mess,” she sighs. “I’ve been so busy lately I haven’t had time to clean.” “Yes, your whare is paru – your house is dirty,” moaned the hot plumber. “Quite the dirty little whare. This is not ka pai – good at all, you naughty wahine. I’m going to have to take care of you… right after I unblock your whare paku – toilet.”

manpenis hair
Apparently a google for “penis hair” was bringing up too many results to do with hairy ladypenises.

saw arse after drinking
This is #3 on the checklist of signs that you may have a drinking problem, next to “Work suffered due to drinking” and “Friend or family member expressed concern at your drinking”.

what goes down the sink?
Wastewater, and your plans to have retired by age 40 thanks to your portfolio of West Auckland rental properties.

find phone number of women who likes secret sex
So what do you do once you’ve got the phone number? Well, this is an actual transcript of such an occasion:

[RING RING]
Woman: Hello?
Man: Uh, yeah. I hear you likes secret sex!!!
Woman: WTF? How’d you find out?! It was supposed to be a secret 🙁 🙁
Man: sowwy 🙁 🙁
Woman: Oh, come over anyway. I’m quite naked at the moment.
Man: 😀 😀 😀

lady suck cork out of bottle
Generally speaking, it’s more efficient to use a corkscrew than a lady.

2 girls involved in fight on courtney place december 2007
I’m intrigued – was this search done by a witness to the fight who perhaps was wanting to see if anything happened to the girls, or did one of the girls do a vanity google to see if people were writing about her fierce street styles?

who is robyn’s parents
I can exclusively reveal that Robyn’s parents go by the names of “Mum” and “Dad”.

sexual equality rhymes
It’s easy. All you need to do is take an established rhyme and change a few of the words!

1. There was an old man with a beard,
Who said, “It is just as I feared! –
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!”

2. There was an old lady with a ladybeard,
Who said, “It is also just as I feared! –
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have also all built their nests in my ladybeard!”

What You’re Lookin’ For II: Referer Madness

Another quiet weekend, so it’s time to take another look in my referer logs to see what people have been searching for that’s lead them here.

free tame iti t-shirt
This search showed up the day after the police raids and his arrest. If you’re looking for a T-shirt that urgently, you’re better off fashioning one yourself – retro old-school punk style! Just get your Supre “It’s All About House” T-shirt, turn it inside out, get a black Vivid and write “FREE TAME ITI” on it. You can also customise it by sewing on rick-rack, feathers and funky buttons!

a lady that got took to hell and showed her the passage and how it is going to be
I like to think that the person searching for this was actually expecting to find someone’s blog giving a first-hand account of this. ‘And I was like, “Oh my gosh! Where am I?!” And Satan was all “Say hello to Hell, bitch!” And I was all, “Man, this sucks!”‘

anton oliver and robyn
OMG! Our secret love is secret no longer!

inhaling exit mould
See, life is a gift that God has given us, and you should consider that life as precious and you should not abuse yourself in that life by inhaling Exit Mould. And besides, it’s just bleach. You can’t get high off it. I know – I tried!

rhymes on trouble
Here’s a question – yo, what rhymes with trouble?
Like when you’re lying in a bath filled with bubbles
and you consider space, like Edwin Hubble.
Here’s two more so our tally will double.
I dig the Flintstones and Barney Rubble.
Come here, boy, and let me feel your stubble.
Peace.

booze hag quiz
As the internet apparently cannot provide this, I have scientifically formulated a quiz to determine booze-hagosity:

Q1. do u like 2 drink lot’s???
Q2. when u get drunk do u get all dishevelled and does ur hair get in ur face and u spill drink on ur dress and stuff like that???
A. if u answered “YES” to Q1 and Q2, then ur a booze hag!!!!! me too!!!kewl – u shld come over!!!

cops asian mullet angry
I can understand why someone would search for two or three of these words together, but all four takes us on a journey right into the heartland of WTFness.

secrets of charming man
Ok, this is what you need to do. Get on a bicycle and go for a ride in the countryside. At the top of a hill, ride over something sharp so you get a puncture. Then after a while a charming man will come and give you a ride, and while you’re there in the passenger seat, you can quiz him on his secrets. But I’ll warn you now – he’ll probably think it’s gruesome that someone so handsome should care.

stop her boobs
Someone, do something! Quickly! Well, I mean, at the moment they’re just sitting there in her bra under her shirt, but, I swear, if someone doesn’t do something soon, they’ll start demanding the right to bear weapons and then they’ll start their own people’s revo-boob-tionary army! It’s got to stop.

Addendum:

if i do something obvious will i still get on your referrer list?
Nah, I probably wouldn’t even notice it, let alone blog about it.

What you’re lookin’ for

It’s a Saturday night and I’m having a quiet weekend, so I thought I’d go through my referer logs to see what people googled that led them to my website.

There are a lot of words on my website, and sometimes Google leads people to pages that don’t have anything to do with what they’re searching for.

Here are my favourite searches for the last month, with annotations.

secret passages
This is by far the most common search term, for which I blame my domain name. I also get a lot of searches like “how do i know if i have a secret passage” (Answer: measure up). And I bet the people asking live in tiny apartments.

gangsta rhymes for teenagers
Yo, yo, kids. Stay in school.
Don’t smoke reefer or you’ll be a fool.
Wait till you’re married before you have sex.
And don’t go on the internet.
Word to your mum!

grammar effects of cellphones
I don’t think txt spk has any effect on grammar. The spelling changes, but as far as I can see, the grammar, boringly enough, stays the same. do u no wot i mean??

massage my back
No.

i love justin watkins
I like that idea that someone is so into this Justin Watkins guy that they’ve typed a declaration of their love into google, and just gone where it’s taken them. Or maybe Justin himself is checking up on his admirers. (Hi, Justin!!!!)

streap tease captain & tenille
This one freaks me out, man. First, the searcher can’t spell “striptease”, and also the idea of someone doing a striptease to any Captain and Tennille song, well, it’s the opposite of hot. Shake it to “Muskrat Love”?

nestle “animal bar” vegetarian
Aka, “Are there really animals in a chocolate Animal Bar, and if so, will eating one get me ostracised from my hardcore vegan community? Because I had one for dinner. I was really hungry and it looked really yummy and it was all I had and I ate it. Help!”

tapered harem pants
In the harem, your duty is to the sheikh, and the sheikh likes harem pants for their gigantic voluminous legs. The sheikh does not like it when his wives get ideas in their heads about “fashion” and “nu rock” and “hosepipe trousers”. If you insist on wearing tapered harem pants, the sheikh will cast you out of the harem and take a younger, prettier wife.

what are the names of the band playing in the tree in “there’s something about mary”?
Oh, that’s an easy one. It’s Jonathan Richman, who is lovely and good, and drummer Tommy Larkins.