Te reo Maori 419 spam

My dad received a scam email in te reo Maori. It’s a run-of-the-mill 419 scam, the “someone has died and had given you millionz of dollaz!” type. In this case, the generous cadaver is – according to Google Translate – “billionaire Business Mogul Late Mr. Moises Saba Masri, a Jew from Mexico”.

The idea behind these obviously stupid spams is they filter out all the smart people who can immediately spot the nonsense. What it leaves is the highly gullible, the type of people that a scammer knows will be worth spending time working on to get them to part with their cash. Putting the email in te reo adds an extra layer of implausibility to filter out even more.

So is there a te reo Maori speaker who’d read this and be all, “Wow, I didn’t realise I knew any billionaire Mexican Jews. What a kind and generous fellow”? I doubt it, but it’s interesting that te reo has made it onto the radar of the international scammers. Yay, New Zealand!

Update: A few people have pointed out that te reo Maori has recently been added to Google Translate, which is the weapon of choice for 419 scammers. But check out this info from Julian Wilcox. Intriguingly, Samoan and Tongan aren’t in Google Translate.

Update 2: Fairfax have written about the situation. The reporter asked me for a comment but – I am so lame – I forgot to reply to her email.

Footpaths H. Pupas and friends

One day I got a spam from someone called Footpaths H. Pupas. I thought that was rather hilarious so I filed it away and over the last year or so, I’ve collected such LOLtastic pieces of unintentional interweb comedy. I’ve gone through and picked out the finest, and I now present the list of my top 10 fake spam sender names.

Scheming Q. Kettledrum
Khyber R. Zing
Womanhood P. Marzipan
Invader G. Dentists
Bunghole F. Cognitive
Misogynist U. Postbox
Scrotum B. Appertains
Autograph B. Limb
Jovial F. Potpie
Titted H. Bodhidharma

But if that’s left you feeling dirty, may I recommend Sonic Youth’s “Sugar Kane” video. It’s from 1993, so it should feel uncomfortably, awfully, painfully out of date. However, it has Marc Jacobs, pre-fame Chloe Sevigny, New York City, and it mocks grunge fashion, which is four shades of awesome, so therefore the video is just as awesome.

Synonym spam

I ♥ synonym spam. It’s the kind where certain words that trigger anti-spam filters have been replaced with synonyms to try and bypass it. In this case it sort of worked. It got through the anti-spam filtering on the mail server, but my email client recognised it as spam.

But I’m glad, because this one is brilliant.

just wanted to see if you were still wanting the doctrine of getting slim?

I definately am, that is why i am so gay i hit upon

It was super convincingly having someone to help me out.

wildly. fluently I was close
Japan Nobs, by shopping dint
have meat Paul for the clergy and

Carson

Thanks for sharing, gayboy Carson.

v1ag@rA FAQ

I keep getting these spam emails trying to entice me to purchase pharmaceuticals that I have no use for. After getting approximately 5,932 emails in one day for an alleged impotence aid called v1ag@rA, I decided to contact the v1ag@rA sellers and find out more about their product. They sent me back this list of frequently asked questions. Needless to say, I’ve placed my order.

v1ag@rA FAQ

Q. what’s this “v1ag@rA” stuff????
A. it help u if u have problemz

Q. Will v1ag@rA cause my pipi to shrivel up and fall off?
A. lol!!!!!!

Q. can i take five v1ag@rA and go out and do big phat lines of coke and have hot sex with random strangers????
A. invite me too!!!!!

Q. MY WIFE IS AN UGLY HOBAG. SHE HAS FIVE BLACK HAIRS GROWING UNDER HER CHIN. WHENEVER I TRY TO MAKE LOVE WITH HER I FEEL NAUSEOUS. WILL v1ag@rA HELP ME?????
A. No, but if u have any n00die pic of her email them 2 me thx

Q. Who should not take v1ag@rA?
A. if u have heard rumours that u should not take it, that is just JEALOUS HATERS who are just jealous and are being haters and are suffering from tall poppy syndrome so you should not listen to them!!!!

Q. i heard that if u douche with a crushed up v1ag@rA mixed with a pepsi that u won’t get pregnant. is this true?
A. no. u have 2 use diet coke

Q. how often shOULD I TAKE v1ag@rA?
A. as often as u like but if ur doing low carb diet u wont be able 2 take them at all lol

Q. my manhood was tragically lost in a boating accident in 1987. can v1ag@rA help me? (please say yes – you are my last hope!!!).
A. yes

Q. Three months ago I ordered some v1ag@rA. When the package I arrived I was shocked to find what looked like blue jelly beans that had been squashed into a diamond shape. But I took four of them and enjoyed a month-long erection. Is this normal?
A. no. pls send pics

Q. What you mean its not normal? Should I see a doctor or what?
A. pls send pics so our internationally qualified “doctor” can assess the state of your penis. can u please make sure that u trim first and oil it up a bit too pls. also note that “doctor” is not recognised in five US states.

Q. my fiancee and i are planning on honeymooning at the beautiful n1ag@rA f@1lz.
A. pls note v1ag@rA should not be used within 52 hours of a traditional wedding ceremony

Q. Is it “safe” to take “v1ag@rA” with “alcoholic beverages”?
A. “yes” “lol”

Q. how duz v1ag@rA werk??????
A. lol we’re still trying to figure that out!!!!! lolz!!!!!!

Q. IM NOT HAPPY!! FIVE MONTHS LATER AND I STILL HAVEN’T SCORED WITH ANY HOT CHICKS!!! WTF??!! I’M NOT WASTING MY $$$$ ON THIS CRAP ANYMORE!!!
A. ok fine be like that mr limp dick

Q. i accidentally gave one v1ag@rA to my cat. he wouldn’t stop licking it. why doesn’t this happen to me?
A. because ur dick is 2 small

Q. What clinical studies of v1ag@rA have been done?
A. my my u do ask a lot of q’s lol how would “3 free v1ag@rAs” sound to u? would that stop u asking all these q’s mr busyboy????

Spamorama

The new email program I’m using has such excellent spam filtering that hardly any spam gets through. I was taking a look through my folder of filtered spam and I realised how little of it is actually relevant to me. Maybe if I were an overweight American man suffering from sexual dysfunction, but with a liking for farm girls, and who had major financial problems and a desire to work from home, maybe then it’d be more interesting to read.

Badly written (Why use one full-stop when using three just has that much more impact?), yet enthusiastic emails show up trying to get me really excited about various fabulous opportunities. But they all get it so, so wrong.

Are you drowning in too much high interest monthly debt?

No, as it happens I’m not. Like that Bros song, “I owe you nothing, oo-er, nothing at all.”

Would you like to lose weight while you sleep!
Sexual Potency 75% improvement.
Emotional Stability 67% improvement.

Losing weight while you sleep is no big claim, but to be 75% more sexually potent and 67% more emotionally stable is pretty impressive. It’s like if you took advantage of this spam you’d be able to engage in a cracker of a one night stand and not get all obsessive the next day.

Mortgage companies make you wait…
They Demand to Interview you…
They Intimidate you…
They Humiliate you…

We Turn the Tables on Them…
Now, You’re In Charge

Cool, so does this mean that I get to interview, intimidate and humiliate mortgage companies? Not that anyone would loan me money, but it’s a nice thought anyway.

Are you paying too much for: CREDIT CARD BILLS? MEDICAL BILLS? COLLECTION ACCOUNTS?

No! No! No!

Dear Windows User

Ha ha, suckers. I use a Mac.

200% return could have been achieved in less than 30 days!

Example: A $5,000 Investment in the Euro vs the dollar, “properly positioned”, on 7/17/01 could possibly have returned $12,500 on 08/10/01.

Y’know, that actually works out to be an increase of only 150%.

Must be 21 years of age.

Dammit, I’m 27.

What do you Really Know about your Employee?
What do you Really Know about your Lover?
What do you Really Know about your Baby Sitter?
What do you Really Know about your Business Associate?

I know my employee isn’t showing up to work, which is good because it means I don’t have to pay him/her. My lover is never around and I don’t even know his name. My baby sitter never seems to show up when I want to go out. Actually, the baby never seems to be around either. As for my business associate, when was the last time I saw him?

Want to join our free sex party? Your Neighbour, Your Girlfriend, Your Boss! They’re all on.

Free sex party! Woohoo, oh but look who’s going to be there. I’ll finally get to meet that old lady who lives next door, I can meet this girlfriend person, and I can ask my boss what company it is that I work for and why I’m not getting paid.

FEEL 10 YEARS YOUNGER WITH ORAL SPRAY HGH.

Turn back your body’s Biological Time Clock 10 – 20 years.

Twenty years ago I was seven and I don’t think I’d want to feel like a seven-year-old. Ten years ago I was 17 and arse to going through my final year of high school again.

Many Americans only get to see their loved ones and friends two or three times a year.

How would you like to see them daily for a fraction of the cost of phoning them?

What? They are giving me the opportunity to see the friends and loved ones of Americans on a daily basis? “Hey, it’s Tony and Sharon! Hi guys! Good to see you again. Ok, bye.”

If you are not the manager at your restaurant, please ignore this message.

Done.

Is your spouse cheating online? Are your kids talking to dangerous people on instant messenger?

Statistically speaking, I am more likely to be the person your spouse cheats with online or that dangerous instant messaging stranger.

I am a financially independent wealth-builder, who finds great pleasure in mentoring.

Kill the Rat! Get out of the Rat Race!

This one is a bit disturbing. The metaphor of the rat race is that you are one of the rats. To kill the rat is to kill yourself. But perhaps this wealth-builder will show you how to do it metaphorically.

Hot Girls And Wild Horses!

God bless the internet.

This message has been sent to you as a subscriber of the “Gambler’s Update Report”

There are periods of time I can’t account for where I seem to be subscribing to all these mailing lists. I can’t think why I joined this one; I don’t gamble often. Perhaps I was planning to build some wealth then gamble it away?

As a rule, I delete all unsolicited “junk” e-mail and use my account primarily for business. I received what I assumed was this same e-mail countless times and deleted it each time.

Hey, same here. Except for the business part.

CORRECTIONAL FACILITIES – PRISON MINISTRIES – Since you will be a Certified Minister, you can visit others in need. Preach the Word of God to those who have strayed from the flock, who are ready to CHANGE their lives – You can play a major part in that decision!

I like this idea – becoming a minister on the internet, then getting to visit prisons and try and lead the incarcerated back to the path of righteousness. Hallelujah!

European style fat removal system has helped thousands to look and feel better!

Ivan and Sven will come and haul all your fat away.

A practical, low cost, safe alternative that is COMPLETELY NATURAL – Certified Natural Bust Capsules!

Oh man, that’s one thing I so don’t need. Although, if they really worked you could spike some guy’s drink and have manbreasts a go-go.

BURNS AND SMOKES EASIER!
TOKES DEEPER!
TASTES SWEETER!
LASTS LONGER!

Shroo hoo hoo!

So power-smokin potent is our new formulation, that much to our delight and actually even to our amazement, we have even be able to establish a very happy clientele within the hard core stoner market.

Of all the claims made by various spams, I think this one is the most impressive. They managed to crack the hard core stoner market! Do you realise how hard this is to do? Good on them!