When I was five my teacher organised a thing where we went to various parent’s houses and did activities one afternoon. My mother did cupcake baking so me and some classmates got to bake cupcakes.

Then the next day we wrote and drew about our experiences.


“Robin baked cupcakes”
The title, written by Mrs Boyd with an illustration of some golden brown cupcakes by me. Note the smiley face stamp in the bottom middle.


“Here are the things we used” “Salt, Butter, Eggs Spoon, Baking Tray, Milk” and accompanying illustrations. Note the glass bottle of milk.


“This is very good Robin” “I liked putting the lollies on the icing”. Side-on illustration of me sitting at the table with the cupcakes. Note the second smiley face stamp.

Donut Boy

Welcome to the unofficial Donut Boy Information Resource.

Have a good time and remember “He’s everyone’s happy little donut boy”

Lyrics to “Donut Boy”

Note: Because “Donut Boy” or “My Little Donut Boy” as it is sometimes known, is a traditional folk song, there is no definitive set of lyrics. The chorus stays the same, but there are many different verses in existence. The following is a collection of the most commonly used verses, and is close to many recorded versions. However, there are few few lesser known verses that are being included because of their historical significance.

Donut Boy
He’s my happy little donut boy
Donut Boy
He’s my happy little donut boy

I take him to a party and he looks so nice
He stands around drinking coke and eating rice

We go outside and we play on some swings
But he has to go away because he hears a phone ring

I take him to school and he acts so cool
He laughs at all the girls and jumps in the pool

He grows donuts in his back yard
He looks after them and works so hard

He took me to his house and he made me tea
He gave me a donut made just for me

We walked to the river and played in the sun
He gave me a donut and it was fun

We got in his car and went for a ride
When we got to the sea it was high tide

He went away and walked the earth
Discovered life and met Papa Smurf

He dressed in black and made donuts
He said he was far too pure for sluts

He drank some donut juice and felt very sick
But my little donut boy got over it quick

When I’m not around he plays with himself
He’s got a box of donuts on his top shelf

Donuts are the only things he eats
He says he likes the taste cos they are so sweet

He took some magical donut pills
Made by a company called McGill

Like a donut he’s got a hole in the middle
He plays the violin but he calls it the fiddle

My donut is all right
But he is full of lots of spright

He told me the story of his donuts
But he said I had to keep my mouth shut

History of the Donut Boy Song

“Butch, whose pastry is this?”
“It’s a donut.”

“Whose donut is this?”
“Donut Boy’s”
“Who’s Donut Boy?”
“Donut Boy’s dead, baby, Donut Boy’s Dead”

These lines were taken from the climax of the performance art play “Death of Donut Boy”, the story of a man who is driven mad by his family’s obsession with the “Donut Boy” song. The play has only been publicly performed once, at the 1995 Hamilton Festival of the Arts, but it is a reminder that the Donut Boy phenomena still continues today.

The exact origins of “Donut Boy” – or “My Little Donut Boy”, as it is sometimes called – are not known, but it is generally accepted that it was sung by workers on a donut plantation on a small Caribbean island, but it was also a popular sea shanty for pirates to sing.

The song spread across Europe and American and in the early 1900s it was part of a musical called “The Bakery Boys”. It became “My Muffin Man”, but it was not popular with audiences.

It is believed that the first recording of “Donut Boy” was by a Jamaican singing group called “The Fishmen Quartet” around the early 1930s. A scratchy version of their version of the song exists. Most notably is the background chanting of “Squash, squash Donut Boy, oooh, squash Donut Boy”.

The song faded into obscurity until 1954 when Tommy Small and the Poxes recorded an R&B version. It wasn’t popular with the record buying public, but proved to be a favourite with fans of the band. That version of the song proved to be controversial when the line “He likes to sleep in my bed/I see him rest his weary head” was included. Many radio stations refused to play the song.

In 1963 a young singer by the name of Louise LaMere recorded her version, titled “My Little Donut Boy”. It was an instant hit and Miss LaMere enjoyed 9 weeks in the top twenty, charting as high as number 3. The song was also the subject of an investigation by the FBI, who misinterpreted the line “Sometimes donut boy gets very sad” as “I love Donut Boy and we are not married”. However, once the true lyrics were discovered, the song was given the all-clear. The song proved to be LaMere’s only hit single.

In 1969 a San Francisco psychedelic band found some lyrics that they considered to be about drug use and experiences, so they recorded a version of it. It is probably more noteworthy that it contains the longest sitar solo ever recorded.

The song faded into obscurity in the ’70s, and it wasn’t until 1979 that a punk band called “The Die-o-rears” recorded it. The chorus became “Donut boy, oi oi oi!” repeated.

Then in 1992 rap group T Fly P recorded a version titled “Li’l Do-nutz Boyee”. Their version was better known for a video that MTV refused to play because it was deemed “racist, sexist, sexually explicit, and having immoral nutritional practises shown”

The song still emerges from time to time, providing background music on a movie soundtrack, or elevator music. But it’s important to remember that “Donut Boy” is a wonderful song that has made a lot of people happy.

The Real Donut Boy

Who was the original Donut Boy?

The origins of the original Donut Boy seem to have been lost in the mists of time. Very little is known about him and what we do know might not be correct.

In fact, so little is known about Donut Boy that the only published work of a biographical nature is a factually incorrect porno film where the “Donut Boy” character claims he can “stack 30 donuts high”.

It is thought that Donut Boy was a worker on a Caribbean donut plantation. He would perform tricks with donuts making the hard day’s work under the hot sun more bearable for his fellow workers. In later days Donut Boy ran away and became a pirate known as Donut Beard. He sailed the seven sails looting and pillaging and amusing his fellow pirates with tricks and “Har har, I’m a donut pirate”.

While Donut Boy was away the people on the plantation started singing about him to bring back some of the joy he brought. When he returned to the village he was again the subject of their singing, but his exploits as a pirate were sung about.

But perhaps it’s not important to know about Donut Boy. What is important is the joy and happiness he has brought to so many through the happy song about him.

Zen Lesson

One day a man was walking in the woods when he saw a sign that said “Hey! It’s fun to be a prostitute!”. He knew in heart that this was not true because his Zen Master had taught him so.

Standing by the sign was what looked like a lovely lady, but when the man got closer he saw that it was in fact his Zen Master in drag.

“Master,” the man exclaimed, “what are you doing here?” “Hello darling,” his Zen Master replied. “Looking for some hot dick action?”

Comments on this Zen lesson:

“I think it shows that the Zen master needs hot dick action even thought he says that it is bad. I think.”

“The sign could be like a metaphor for innocence and wisdom and it means that the student loses his innocence and gains wisdom, whilst the Zen master gains innocence and loses wisdom. Hey, that’s pretty cool”

“When choosing a Zen master, don’t pick the cheapest one.”

Share your thoughts on this Zen lesson.

No Magazine


I found a floppy disk that had some stuff I did in 1994. It included stuff planned for the very first issue of No magazine. I can’t remember if I ever intended on publishing it in some photocopied zine format, but I never got around to finishing it.

The cover lists something called “Is you cat a user or an abuser”. This article was never written, but feel free to write your own version. Back in ’94 there was no internet for me and I was using Windows 3.1. But, I have managed to put together some stuff and here is the first and last issue of No.

no cover

NO PLAYS: Are they interesting or what?

Upon first glance it might seem that a no play is not a play. If you don’t like plays then I suspect you would be rejoicing and planning a giant party with all your other play hating friends. Well, bad news for you because a no play is actually a kind of Japanese play. Ha ha ha.

“Oh pray tell”, I hear you cry from the existence which you call life, “what is the history of no plays?”. Do you really want to know, or are you just saying it because you can’t think of anything else to say? The answer to that question is “yes”. The no play is the oldest form of Japanese drama. Older than you, older than me, and older than rock ‘n’ roll. It was developed during the 1300s from dances performed at shrines. Nothing cool like that ever happens at the shrines around where I live, although maybe I just don’t get out enough. These performances had long been part of religious and folk rituals. Zeami Motokiyo shaped the drama into the form in which it is still performed today. Well, right on Zeami! He combined dancing and chanting with literary themes and poetic language from the past.

And no plays are still being written and performed today. There are four characters in a no play. There’s the main actor called “shite”, the supporting actor called (waki), who represents the audience, and his attendant (wakitsure), and the local man of the place (kyogen). All the characters are played by men, but there are some troupes that include women. There’s also a chorus who comments on the action. There’s also music like flutes and drums. And the actors use masks. So that’s about it. All you need to know about no. Remember: Just say no!

Resources: World Book Encyclopedia and the NZ Herald.


Ok, here’s a joke. There was a travelling salesman who was driving from one town to another. He was in the middle of the country and he ran out of petrol. He remembered passing a farm house so he grabbed the petrol tin and started walking. He got to the farm house and the knocked on the door. It was answer by the farmer. The man explained his situation to the farmer. The farmer took the petrol can and poured some petrol from a can he had in his barn into it. He gave the man a ride back to the car on his tractor. The farmer stayed and made sure the car started then he left. The man drove to the next down and filled his tank up with petrol. The next day he sold 100 vacuum cleaners.


I bet you think your personality sucks. Have your friends ever told you that your personality is dumb. Well there’s only one thing you need to do to make your personality better and more dynamic. Just make monkey noises.

Yes, that’s all it takes. Make monkey noises!

Happy: Hoo, hoo hooo, aaah, ahh.
Angry: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

If you have trouble making them, don’t worry, just practice, practice, practice and soon the oyster will be your world.

Here are some comments by cool people about people who make monkey noises:

“Quite nice.”

“Umm, they must be pretty good at animal impersonations, because you can recognise that they’re monkey noises”

“It bores me stiff, frankly, quite frankly”

Well, there you go. Make monkey noises and have a better personality. It works for me.


Have you ever been hassled by friends, loved ones or anyone else about being asleep at two o’clock in the afternoon? Well, don’t listen to a word they say because I reckon it’s ok. Eight hours sleep (or how ever much you need, eight is an average. Some people need more, others need less) is sleep whether it’s from 10 pm to 6 am, 3 am to 11 am, or 4 pm to midnight. You get sleep and that’s good. But if you are living with people who sleep at different times to you it is common courtesy to listen to your stereo with headphones while they’re asleep and the same goes for them when you’re sleep. Now for a relevant story.


Ok, once there was the kiwi and the weka. The kiwi slept during the day and played and hunted for worms and stuff at night. The Weka slept at night and did things during the day. Anyway one day the kiwi was asleep and the weka was making a lot of noise. This kept waking the kiwi up and he got really cranky. That night when the weka was asleep and the kiwi was making noise the weka kept waking up and got annoyed with the kiwi. So both the kiwi and the weka were pissed off at each other for making noise while the other was asleep. When they were both awake they confronted each other about the noise. The kiwi didn’t see why the weka couldn’t sleep during the night and the weka couldn’t understand why the kiwi didn’t sleep at night. They saw that the other was not like them. They decided to co-operate. They agreed that when one was sleeping the other would be quite. That worked well and they got good sleep from then on. They were so happy that they sang this song:

The Co-operation Song
Co-operation, that’s working together

I hope we have all learned a lesson.

Horse Island

Welcome to magical Horse Island! Horse Island is a very special island for people who love horses!


Horse Island was started as a sanctuary for horses and ponies and the people who love them!

horseprrIts occupants are Horse Princesses, tall, slender girls with long blonde hair that flows in the wind as they ride their horse down the beach at sunset, or in meadows filled with daisies. Who needs boys when you have a beautiful horse! The Princesses ride beautiful mares called Storm, Thunder, and Stormy Thunder.

horsejockThe other occupants are jockeys, short men, who, in another lifetime, would have found employment as an actor playing Munchkins and Oompa Loompas. To prevent unnecessary weight being added to horses, jockeys do not, as such, eat, but maybe known to have a few grains of rice from time to time, or maybe a sunflower seed.

In Horse Island, the Horse Princesses and the Jockeys are free to ride horses all day long. They can spend as long as they want with their horses without others suggesting that they are freaks who needs to get a life.

Everyone can be happy and free! Happy and free! Free and happy!

Let’s sing the Horse Island national anthem!

I like horses.
I like to ride them.
Horses are the most beautiful animals in the world.
My horse is called Golden Thunder.
He is a chestnut coloured mare.
I live on Horse Island with Golden Thunder.
I ride horses.
On Horse Island.
I live with my horse.
On Horse Island.

Other animals that humans enjoy eating

bullBull Bovine flesh is rather popular and indeed features thrice on this chart. The bull is a large animal and likes eating grass.

calfCalf Another member of the bovine family, the calf is a small cow and it too likes eating grass, but starts off drinking milk, not unlike humans.

chickenChicken The chicken is a small winged creature which emits a delightful squawk. It lays eggs, which humans also eat, but the chicken itself eats grains.

cowCow A cow not only provides meat like a bull and calf does, but also provides milk which although is intended for her offspring, can be consumed by a human.

crabCrab Crustaceans such as the crab provide tasty flesh behind a seemingly impenetrable hard shell.

deerDeer The flesh of the majestic looking deer can be cut up and cooked, however it is not a common meat.

fishFish Various fishes of seas, rivers and lakes provide meat that is white in colour and rather flavoursome.

lambLamb A lamb is a small sheep, that has been prevented from being a sheep so people can enjoy its tasty flesh.

pigPig Many different types of meat can be extracted from the pig. Pork, ham and bacon are among the tasty cuts that a pig yields.

sheepSheep Provider of not only meat, but the thick wool on its back. However, most people will agree that they’d rather eat sheep meat than wool!

shellShellfish Another tasty gift from the sea. Plying open the shell reveals soft flesh which can be enjoyed after lightly cooking, or in some cases can be eaten raw.

It’s Showtime

The Final Days of the Fairfield Valley Community Players

In his will, composer George Gershwin stipulated that his folk opera “Porgy and Bess” always be performed in English language productions by an African-American cast. This was decreed in order to prevent bad characatures of the black cast by white performers.

This piece of information had apparently not reached as far as the Fairfield Valley Baptist Church hall. It was there, on the final night of a successful three-night run, that John McNichol had just launched into “I got plenty o’ nuttin'” from “Porgy and Bess”, respledent in a sponged-on layer of dark brown foundation, carefully applied by his wife, Fran, in order to make him look less like a 47-year-old science teacher and more like a poor, crippled black man.

What ever effect the brown make-up had on de-whitifying him, it was sadly undone as soon as he opened his mouth to sing. John and Fran were English and had moved to New Zealand over twenty years ago. He still had a clipped English accent, which resulted in in the line “Oh, I got plenty o’ nuttin’, an’ nuttin’s plenty fo’ me” sounding like “Oh, I got plenty oh nut in, Ann nut in’s plenty foh me.” Standing tall in a pair of crisply ironed black trousers, a black skivvie, John was about as far from Porgy as was possible.

John’s performance, however, was only one of the many highlights of the Fairfield Valley Community Players 1992 end-of-year revue, titled “It’s Showtime: Greatest Broadway Hits!” The revue was the creative masterpiece of Margaret Ballinger, who, as she often reminded people, audiences might remember from the Waikato Operatic Society’s 1978 production of “Music Man.”

After breaking her ankle and the subsequent weight gain in the mid-’80s, Margaret changed from performing to directing. “It’s Showtime” was the third show she’d produced and directed for the Fairfield Valley Community Players since she formed the Players along with choreographer Martin Bellevue in 1988.

Next on the programme was “I’m an Indian Too” from “Annie Get Your Gun”. This was sung by the youngest and prettiest member of the lady Players, 32-year-old Helena Anderson. She cavorted on stage with Hamish Stevenson, the 19-year-old former rugby player who had been cast as Big Chief Son-of-a-Bear thanks to the sharp casting eye of Martin Bellevue.

All the songs in the show were accompanied by the two dancers, Trudie Kimble and Natasha O’Connell. Former students of the Bellevue School of Jazz Ballet, the pair had been called in from their university studies to add a little glitz and glamour to the show. For “I’m an Indian too”, Martin had them do a stylised version of the old cowboys and Indians war call where the hand is waved over the mouth while making a shrill sound. Obviously having a couple of mousey, flat-chested dancing girls in black leotards doing a war call would have interrupted Helena’s singing, so Martin had them do it not only with no sound, but also paced to the rhythm of the song, which slowed it down so much it looked like they were yawning to the beat.

The show-stopper was the moving version of “You’ll Never Walk Alone” from “Carousel.” Fran McNichol started singing the song, but when she got to “hold your head up high,” suddenly, for no apparent reason her voice caught and she broke down in tears. From the chorus behind her, Margaret Ballinger stepped out, walked over and put her arm around Fran, and signalled for the pianist to start playing again. The two then belted out the song with confidence, and the entire company behind them joined in for a stirring final chorus. This was executed to perfection every night, always earning the Players a standing ovation, and always moving at least a few audience members to tears.

Being the final show, Saturday night’s performance was a special one. The show ended with an extra encore of “Pick-a-Little, Talk-a-Little” from “Music Man”, and a surprise original number written and performed by Martin Bellevue called “I’m Gonna be a Star on Broadway.” Bouquets of flowers were handed out, speeches made and after-show nibbles enjoyed.

Everyone agreed the show had been wonderful and that they would come back for next year’s show. However a few months later a letter from the lawyers of the estate of a dead composer sent to the administrator of the church hall resulted in the Players being banned from using the hall. Without a local venue to rehearse and perform the Players soon disbanded.

The last anyone had heard, Martin Bellevue was working on a full-length musical based around “I’m Gonna be a Star on Broadway.” Margaret Ballinger started the Margaret Ballinger School of Stars, offering singing, acting and dancing classes for children aged 12 and under. But the Fairfield Valley amateur dramatic scene just wasn’t the same.

Smurf 90210


“La la la-la la la
Come and Smurf with me
La la la-la la la
I love you, Bren”


“La la la-la la la
Smurf along with me
La la la-la la la
Dylan, I’m just not ready for sex”


“La la la-la la la
Smurfing all day long
La la la-la la la
I love you, man”


“La la la-la la la
Smurf along with me
La la la-la la la