Contact Lenses

I got contact lenses. I came home the day I’d got them and I excitedly told Xris, my flatmate at the time, that I had them. He said that once he’d had contact lenses, but had given up after about a year because in the end he just couldn’t be bothered wearing them anymore.

I remember at the time just laughing that comment off, thinking it would never happen to me. I was sure that after a year I’d still be wearing my contacts. Oh, how wrong I was.

I got contact lenses because I was sick of wearing glasses. At first wearing contacts was a novelty, but then I soon settled into a routine, and managed to get my lenses inserted in about five minutes, rather than the half hour I was originally talking.

It was great being able to see clearly without wearing glasses. I realised for the first time that there was a “Fight Club” poster on the other side of the floor where I used to work. Things were beautiful.

But there was a downside. After about eight hours of use my eyes would feel really tired, and a few times I had to leave social events early so I could go home and remove my $50-a-pair lenses. It also meant that things that would normally be spontaneous, like crashing on someone’s couch after a hard night, had to instead be carefully planned to incorporate contact lens care.

In the end I just couldn’t be bothered wearing them anymore. It was too much hassle mucking around with saline solutions, clensing stuff and the cost of it all.

So I went back to the optometrist and got a pair of glasses and some prescription sunglasses and have been happily wearing them since.

The one thing I have got out of my year as a contact lens wearer is the ability to completely suppress the reflex to madly blink when I put something in my eye. As a result, I can touch the lens of my eye with my finger. Neat party trick, huh?

Sometimes having perfect eyesight would be very handy, but I’m not about to go back to contacts (or get laser surgery) any time soon.


“Men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.”
– Dorothy Parker

I’d been wearing glasses since I was 17 (only for driving and things like watching movies) and I was greatly disturbed by the severe absence of men who were making passes at me. I decided to put a stop to this shocking situation immediately, so I went off to the optometrist and demanded some contact lenses.

The nice optometrist lady tested my eyes and inserted a contact lens in each eye for me to try out.

Oh it sounds nice and simple from writing about it, but the truth is much more complicated.

The human body had all these defence mechanisms to stop it getting hurt. If something comes really near your eye, your body freaks out and closes the eyelid. So if you’re trying to get a contact lens in, your body is going “No! Piss off! Get that little plasticy thing away from me!” and making your eyelid shut.

This can make inserting a contact lens somewhat difficult.

So every morning for the first couple of weeks I’d spend about half an hour trying to get a little plasticy thing in my eye. Sometimes I’d think I had it in, but would end up with the lens folded in half, stuck to itself on my lower eye lashes. Eventually I got better at it.

Now I can walk the streets with everything in the background being sharp and clear. Oh, the beautiful blue sky!

However, I am disturbed that since I got contacts, men have not started making passes at me. From this I can only conclude that Dorothy Parker was a lying cow.