A state of shock

The New Zealand metaller community is in a state of shock as they happened to see the cover of this week’s Woman’s Weekly. (It was an accident. Their partner bought a copy and left it lying around on the coffee table in plain view of the metaller community.)

This week’s Weekly cover star is Ms Nicky Watson, all made up in her drag-queenesque make-up from the celebrity dancing show. But what’s shocking is the inset photo – OMG, it’s Shelton, the drummer from Blindspott!

Shelton has a story to tell. See, he was going out with Nicky, but then she started to get aloof and cool and then his mate told him that – are you ready to hear this? – Nicky was seeing that judge from the dancing show.

Poor Shel’.

So he did what any jilted lover would do – he told his story to a women’s magazine.

Wait – that’s not right, because in New Zealand, jilted lovers don’t go telling their exclusive love confessions to magazines. People only do that when they have something specific to promote, and they certainly don’t do it if they are an active member of the New Zealand metaller community.

But it actually looks like he may be breaking new ground by a) being a rock guy telling his story to a woman’s magazine, and b) not having anything specific to promote (though a new Blindspott album can’t be far off, right?)

I had to investigate further and found a copy of the Woman’s Weekly and read the article. It was written in the “as told to…” style, where a skilled journalist takes his bitter tale and crafts it into a riveting yarn.

For those who aren’t regular Weekly readers, highlights of the article were:

On hearing that Nicky was seeing another man: “I felt like throwing up. I dry-retched and my hands moved to the tattoo on my lower belly that I had dedicated to Nicky. It says ‘fidele a l’amour” – French for ‘faithful to love’.”

On their early courtship: “I never thought Nicky was interested in me. We were simply mates and when she asked me to go to [the Erotica expo] again the following day, I was happy to go.”

On the early media interest in their relationship: “Now I know that Matthew [Ridge] was going through and I have so much respect for him and the way he handled it.”

On privacy: “Nicky and I were very private about our love and never talked about it or went out to show each other off. It was nobody’s business.”

On pipe dreams: “We were so in love and had started playing around with the idea of marriage and babies. ‘When I look in your eyes, I can see my children,’ Nicky told me. ‘You’ll be such a good dad.'”

On a magazine article where Nicky was supposed to be promoting her radio DJ gig: “When I saw the magazine, I couldn’t believe it. I was all about our relationship, with barely anything else. I thought Nicky hated the paparazzi as much as I did.”

On overcoming suspicion: “She even took me to a dance lesson to meet Kiel [her dance partner from the TV show]. He was a good bloke and our dads had played rugby together.”

On priorities: “Just before Nicky and I went to Wellington, I went to visit a young Blindspott fan who had cancer and was in Starship children’s hospital. His mum got pretty upset so we went out for lunch and I forgot I was supposed to meet Nicky.”

On defiant gestures: “As I knocked on the door, Nicky and Brendan [her new beau] arrived in a car. [I] knew what I wanted to do – but I’d learned from Nicky and Charlotte [Dawson!] that reacting like that wasn’t good. I pulled up my hoodie and walked away.

On regret: “In a way, I wish this had never happened, because I’m just a kid from west Auckland who was sucked into a big media machine and spat out on the other side.”

On the bright side: “I’ll get some good songs out of this, that’s for sure.”

There’s also an account of Watson’s accommodation situation during her Shelton period. She was living with Matthew Ridge, then spent some time at a house her ex-husband owned, then moved in with Shelton at his parents’ place (hot), then finally went flatting with Dawson.

The best part of the article, however, is one of Shelton’s “private pics” showing Nicky throwin’ the westside gang sign. Uh. Yeah. Westside 4 life, etc.

But let us leave the last words to Ms Watson herself. She’s also this week’s cover star of Max, a freebie newspaper. This time, in the name of promoting some charitable act, she engages in a brief question and answer session:

Max: “What did you want to be as a little girl?”
Nicky: “I wanted to marry my dad, that’s all I wanted – not very career orientated.”

Iron, balls.

Coming home on the bus today I saw a woman opened her newly purchased box of Winsor Pilates bits and pieces. I’ve seen the Winsor Pilates infomercial enough to be immune to its seductive call. It’s just another workout video and like most of the fitness-related infomercials it has the fine print that acknowledges that you have to stop eating shit to get the killer abs in the infomercial.

What it comes down to, what they never show in the infomercials, is that you will be required to get down on the floor in front of your TV and wave your arms and legs around. You will need to do this every day, even on the days when you don’t feel like doing it. And that while you can lose weight and tone your muscles, you’ll never look as hot as Daisy Fuentes does in the infomercial.

Pumping iron is much more fun.

At the gym this morning I was reading a women’s magazine while I was warming up on the treadmill. I flicked past the usual latest celebrity styles, how to get five different looks from one shirt, why anorexia is really bad, etc. Suddenly one page caught my attention.

It was the sex advice page and was doing one of those “how to please your man” things. There a quote from the text had been pulled out. It read, “When my partner is about to come, I squeeze his balls.” I almost fell off the treadmill.

Come on, partners don’t get their balls squeezed. Boyfriends do.